A Beautiful Grace

A Life Fully Devoted to God

2011-08-25T00:46:00.004-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about where my heart is. What am I passionate about? What am I committed to? Am I all God's or not? God is such a gentleman that he will never force us to serve or follow him. He asks us to, and he pursues our hearts with passion and longing, but he never forces himself on us. Do I really believe that God loves me deeply; that his love is far deeper than all I've ever imagined or hoped it to be? Do I really believe that the Enemy is a liar, and that to believe his lies is to be a slave? Do I really believe that to be a follower of God is to be more free than I can comprehend? Do I want to be free? Where is my heart? Who am I devoted to? My Self or God? He has part of my heart, but that is not enough. He is the Divine Lover of my soul, and he wants it all. To be fully alive and fully free, I must fully devote myself to him!

If we could hear the music of a life fully devoted to God, what would it sound like? I think it would be a song so beautiful that it would make us want to cry and dance and join in the song all at once. I think it would be the most beautiful thing we had ever heard. And I think God does hear it. But you know, I think we'll get to hear it someday. I think God keeps us from hearing it until we are with him in our future glorified state, because it is in such perfect harmony with his own song, and so very beautiful and close to him, that the aching and awe inside us for him would be unbearable for us right now. But someday... someday we will hear it, and more than that... I think we will hear God's song.

And I imagine that it's not only music. I think that a life fully devoted to God has incredible colors, and light, and fragrance. There is so much of God in a life fully devoted to him, because it is in such unity with him. It is an unending spring of life and power through the Holy Spirit. It has freely been given to God, and therefore he will not limit himself in perfecting it and working through it in full power.
There is no limit to what God can and will do through such a life as this. Is that not awesomely beautiful?

Shouting into Cyberspace about Feeling Unknown

2011-04-21T21:04:00.001-04:00

I have not felt so unknown in a very long time... maybe ever. I do realize that part of this my own fault, because I've pretty much not kept in touch with ANY of my old friends since I moved to Alabama (mostly due to "busyness"). I have also not made many new friends since moving here about 16 months ago, and certainly no close friends. There don't seem to be many people around here that are my age and even halfway share my values, and they certainly don't know my God. To be quite frank, this unknown-ness makes me feel alone, discouraged, dead, and really not worth much. I suppose that is why I cling so tightly to treasures I have recently discovered in the Bible that speak of being worth much to the Lord, like in the book of Hosea where God talks about His continuing love for His people (despite the fact that they keep rejecting Him and being adulterous).

My friends don't really know where I'm at now spiritually and emotionally, since I've barely kept in touch. I am not at all where I was back in college or even a year ago. I have the emotional stability that I lacked during the "dark ages" of my college experience, and when I have overwhelming emotions I deal with them in much better ways (in this case I am verbalizing my emotions/ranting on my blog). Despite good changes though, from the time I left the amazing atmosphere of Focus on the Family Institute until the present, I have felt thirsty and trapped... and unknown. I have gone from one day to the next just surviving - not thriving, not even feeling alive. I just work at jobs I do not enjoy that make me feel like I'm nothing, try to be good and obedient, and daily beg God to change my circumstances.

This is what I want: to move to another part of the country (Colorado Springs would be ideal), have a job that I actually like, get out of the hole of debt that I put myself into by going to a college I never should have gone to in the first place (but it's important to note here that God never wastes our poor choices or mistakes, and much good and many great friends did come out of attending that overpriced, overworking school), and I want to be in real community (outside of family) again with people who know both God and me.

I want to end with an insight that I once heard from Pastor Joe Novenson of Lookout Mountain Presbyterian Church. He is one of the few men who has greatly inspired me, and the Lord has touched me, spoken to me, and strengthened me in every sermon I have heard this man speak. This is what he said: "We long to be known, because we have been created in the image of a God who longs to be known". Yes. That makes sense. And I am seeking to know God more as He reveals Himself in His Word. Being unknown is an awful feeling. It makes us feel like we are without worth. But that is a lie. We are worth much to God, and we are known always and completely by Him who is Sovereign. I am wildly holding onto that as though my life depends on it, because it does.

Your Emotion

2010-11-25T23:50:00.001-05:00

There is a warm knowing
That wherever I go
There will be emotion
Because you are there.

Love melts the ice when my heart grows cold
When I have left all feeling far behind
You release your own emotions from deep within my soul
And these cannot be stifled - they always overflow
In weeping, or singing, or peace and strength, or joy.

There is a warm knowing
That wherever I go
There will be emotion
Because you are there.

Doorway to the Doorway

2010-07-07T12:39:00.003-04:00

Endless swirling green
In my focused, limited vision
Through glass, a clear glass
Variations and subtleties
Without termination
And I can feel it all around me
Somehow without losing the
Bearing of ascent.

Winds that for a moment
Rushed around inside my body
Have silenced to whispers of Anticipation.
Worries vanished; the rescue is peace
Before I even realize that
It isn't somehow
My own escape,
And this is only
The doorway to
The Doorway to
The Beyond All:
The Origin of The Rescue...

The Word.

2010-04-20T10:19:00.008-04:00

Here is something beautiful:

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.
Through Him all things were made; without Him nothing was made that has been made. In Him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood (or overcome) it...
He was in the world, and though the world was made through Him, the world did not recognize Him. He came to that which was His own, but His own did not receive Him. Yet to all who received Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God - children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God.
The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth...
from the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God, but God the One and Only, who is at the Father's side, has made Him known."

This is one of the most thrilling passages I have yet read in the Bible! I think it is so exhilirating because these words are SO simple and SO rich. The Word... There is such great power in the written word - words like those above from John chapter 1. Yet as powerful as written words are, they can't compare to spoken words - words like Jesus' speaking of Creation into existence, and His speaking of life into a Lazarus. And still, spoken words cannot even begin to compare to the Living, Breathing, Being Word: Jesus the Great Brother and King, God who makes God known, The Light. He is the Word who says: "I am the Living One" and "I am making all things new!"
(Rev.1.18,21.5)

Unbounded - 1.17,31.10

2010-01-31T21:29:00.005-05:00

These are the lyrics of a song I just finished writing today:

Your irrevocable grace
Your merciful design
To make a love covenant with me!
For my unfaithfulness
You'd take the death penalty.

Unbounded tension and relief:
An undeserved way out for me,
And the undeserved suffering of my Ever-Faithful God.

This is more than anyone else would offer me
Far beyond what any false god would give
The angels marvel and the universe sings
Of Your passion unmeasureable for me.

Unbounded holiness and joy
You are the Lover of my soul
I long for You, and I will not rest until I see Your face.

What profound a peace is this:
It is finished; I am free!
The Earth trembles from its deepest hidden places...
My resurrected Jesus is my Solid Rock and Rest.

Unbounded power over all
You send Truth out to bring me in
There's no place in all the world
Where I cannot see Your dance of love for me.

Morning Psalm

2009-08-05T12:04:00.004-04:00

When sunlight breaks over the mountains,
And depth of vision appears;
When the morning warms my hands and face,
And the full breath of life fills my body and soul -
I praise you for your goodness,
And I praise you for your unfailing love!
New grace, New mercies,
New fulfillment of your perfect purposes...
GREAT is your faithfulness!
How wide! How deep! How infinite, eternal, and unchangeable!
GREAT is your faithfulness, my Beautiful God!

Don't be murky. Don't be clear... But clarify yourself.

2009-07-31T01:13:00.006-04:00

Unthinkably intentional.
Why would you do this?
I don't know what to think of what you are.
Confusingly BEing.
What is your motive?
You are not who I thought you were.
Chronically different?
Please be unchangeable...
I think...
Eternal?
You are confusing me.
Be one.
Stay there.
Hear me.
Speak true.
Sing beauty.

I need to see solid in your eyes.
I need to see authentic.
Trustworthy.
I need to feel care in your touch.
I need to feel it.
I need to feel?

Speak reality to me.
I have to know.
I have to know, or I die.
Show yourself to be all that you say you are.
Show yourself.
Be true.
Be Truth.

Polar.

2009-07-22T16:27:00.004-04:00

Cold confusion
A dark night with
Flowing colors and
Beautiful creatures
Enchanting territory
It’s frightening
The opposite pole is far away
The magnetism tugs at my soul and my body
And in this dim polar region
A voice of the air calls me to dwell
With a motive to capture and enslave me
To cause me pain and death in the icy exposure and
To cause me to fall through a façade of
Solidly frozen waters
To be swept into the ghostly jaws of
The whore and the priest
Who have drowned in this dark polar sea.

Burning Away the Mask - 6.15.09

2009-06-16T00:53:00.006-04:00

Blazing Sun
Burns away my mask,
Revealing a fearful soul so small;
I am tired and scarred.

I smell the Presence,
The fragrance of healing.
My hands reach out for
Invisible Reality,
As a Music -
Not in my ears but in my spirit -
Calls me passionately
To a life worth living.

Truth - 6.12.09

2009-06-14T01:55:00.006-04:00

Vibrantly ethereal
Truth.
So clear So exact So precise
Slicing through "impenetrable" darkness
Like a light of diamond.
Rays of color, rays of light -
We cannot touch it,
But it touches us gently.
The dark cannot touch it,
But Light crushes Dark with
Infinite force.

Inside - 4.20.09

2009-04-23T22:38:00.001-04:00

Look inside and
Find nothing
But something
That is
Both inside and outside, and-
So much bigger, greater, immense-
She is Unfathomable
He is Unquenchable
Ah, Indescribable!

My Current State - 4.20.09

2009-04-23T22:27:00.004-04:00

Process of protection
Enigmatic fact
Time and speech are no solace.

Where is rest?
I cannot find it.

ouch. ouch. ouch.

2009-04-08T21:10:00.004-04:00

A scream is all I have to say.
I am too exhausted and broken in every way,
and cannot put more into words than this.

Prayer 3.21.09

2009-03-21T13:23:00.005-04:00

Father God,
The darkness is engulfing me!
The darkness is crashing over me like a great wave.
The Spirit cries out within me,
But the fragrance of truth seems overwhelming.
So I want to reject it
And inside me is a battle between life and death.
Why is it that goodness sometimes seems too much to bear?
I do not see eternity; I do not see clearly.
I do not see that this is so much bigger -
There is so much more.

If I could describe a raindrop
Or if I could describe the depths of the night sky...
But I am small.
I am so limited in every way
Except...
In relationship with You.
You have set no limit there.
Only I set limits
Because my blindness causes me to fear.
I falter to trust, I tremble, I fall, I faint.
Save me, my God, the Life!
MY Life, Bring me into the light –
Let me see your light –
Even if I cannot see it and live.

I want to see you
I want to know you
I want to be with you,
I want to be with you all the time.
Every day of life that you've given me, I have hurt you.
But I know you love me still
Even though I do not understand why.
So bring me to you,
Bring me to you!
Make me holy
So I can be with you, God!

Artist Rationale': A Work In Process. 12.10.08

2009-01-24T22:33:00.006-05:00

All of life is a process: A process of aging, learning, maturing, working towards personal and social goals, and influencing others and stirring them to action. Process is historically a huge part of human existence. God used process as he created heaven and earth and every living thing, in time and space (both of which he also created). Human life, created in the image of God, is full of processes of creativity and discovery. Since the Fall, all human process involves taking some wrong turns, making some mistakes. It can involve extreme frustration, and sometimes failures which require starting over. For the Christian, another (very radical) process is a part of life as well: the process of spiritual sanctification. In fact, sanctification is not really a part of life at all. Rather it is the process by which every part of life is surrendered to Christ and transformed to be holy as Christ is holy.

The process of sanctification is oftentimes excruciatingly painful, because it inevitably breaks down the barriers our hearts build up around us to keep our Creator and Savior God at a “safe” distance. Sanctification also hurts because it ruins for us all the idols we cling to – idols which, although they would destroy us, we would choose above a passionately loving, tender, holy God. When God tears down the walls we build to surround us, he does not leave us unprotected. He surrounds us with his embrace, protecting our souls from separation from himself: the Life-giver without whom we are dead.

The Christian life is a journey toward knowing God. A journey is not a static thing. One who walks in the truth of the Word keeps walking... humbly, in freedom, in love, in the light of God's presence, with the wise, through the valley of the shadow of death, and in the paths of righteousness. Travelers look ahead, eager to reach their destination. No journey is more important for a person to travel than the journey of sanctification, and no destination is more important than to dwell with God, eternally glorifying and enjoying him. Whatever it takes, God's people will reach that destination.

One area of process that I have discovered to be closely entwined with sanctification is art. All art involves process. Process in art includes thought, verbalization, and discussion of ideas and concepts. It may involve much practice, research, conceptual drawings, smaller-scale models, and experimentation before the artist even begins to create the final piece. The final piece itself often requires a very complex process. Process is also involved in exhibiting an artwork. There can exist no finished work of art except through some process of making, just as no human being can become complete without undergoing the process of sanctification by the Holy Spirit.

Just because all art is created through a process does not mean that all art is good, true, and beautiful, however. Not all art possesses the same level of divine reflectivity; that is to say, not all art reflects the glory of God equally. In fact, some art does not reflect glory at all, except in that it was created by a person made in the image of God. The piece itself might be horrifyingly ugly and spiritually offensive and blasphemous.

So we see that not everything that develops through a process is good. As I mentioned earlier, sometimes we put ourselves through processes that take us down wrong paths and bear only bad fruit. I have put myself through many such processes whenever I have made decisions to try to control my life instead of surrendering my will to God. I have often turned away from God, wanting to live life my way instead of his way. I have tried to justify my choice of direction by questioning God's trustworthiness and goodness. If God is not who he says he is, then it is pointless for me to live my life for him; I should just try to make my life as comfortable and fun as possible. Traveling this path only multiplies my anger and fear and loneliness, leaving me feeling like a failure without hope. It leaves me feeling this way because I am estranging myself from a God who is who he says he is.

Many things that we have to do (or sometimes put ourselves through unnecessarily) are disagreeable, tedious, even grueling. Sometimes even working on a project that interests us can be an unpleasant process. For me, academic assignments are usually wrestling matches won (and sometimes lost) with – very literally – blood, sweat, and tears. But we live in a fallen world where nothing good can happen without some cost to someone somewhere, whether it costs their time, money, energy, reputation, or life. Everything I create, every song or painting or poem, every meal or school paper or self-presentation (in “reality” or cyberspace) costs me something. This paper, for example, is on a topic which is very interesting to me, and extremely relevant to my life. I want this to be a beautiful paper. Yet, squeezing ideas from my mind in verbal form feels like trying to squeeze the last remnants of toothpaste out of the toothpaste tube. On a far grander scale, the process of sanctification comes at tremendous cost: the cost of a potentially comfortable life and the cost of the world's approval. In other words, it costs us all of our idols. It involves denying self-interest, and clinging to God as our hope and life-breath. We will never do this on our own – this can only happen by the grace of God.

As difficult as creating can be, I cannot try to let it go or minimize its place in my life. Doing so would strip me of an enormous amount of my life's passion and purpose, because creating also brings me great joy. I am filled with excitement when I paint and carve and shape things. I love the feeling I get when I make something that is formally beautiful; when I mix paint into some intriguing color, and apply it to the canvas with just that perfect stroke... and it takes my breath away! I find so much delight in using my hands and tools to make smooth, curving, elegant forms. I cannot imagine living life without creating art, but I am sure I would find it miserable.

I believe that when I am creating I am being told a story, by something bigger than me – something outside myself, which I am retelling. God is the Great Creator, and he is the one who whispers the story into my heart. He allows me to tell his story in a new way, with the creativity he has given me as part of his image. I respond to what I am being told, as I react to each thing that “happens” in the piece I am working on. And when I tell God's stories faithfully, he is glorified.

God's stories rightly told are beautiful and good and true. This is not to say that none of them speak of brokenness. Christ became incarnate and was born as a baby, into a broken world that had no hope but him alone. Through his sinless life as both fully human and fully divine, Christ sanctified every part of life for his people. He gave us a hope and a future, and commanded us to share it with all people. He has given me a desire to share that hope and future through my art and my music.

Part of the importance of process to me is that it gives me something to look back on and continue to learn from. I have countless memories, beautiful and ugly, broken and whole, debilitating and healing, shameful and affirming, that I am able to call to mind. My past and my memories of it constantly effect my present thoughts and actions. Unfortunately, I often tend to bring the more negative sides of my memories to mind, and that focus usually results in more negative thinking in the present. My actions are then based upon or tainted by grudges, anger, and fear. Bringing to mind good and pure memories calls forth gratefulness, from which flows humble service and praise. My faithful art is that praise.

Process is a connection between art, sanctification, and Christ's incarnation. The process of art-making reflects the processes in God's story of his Creation, the Fall of humankind, and the Father's great Redemption of his children – a full redemption that sanctifies every child of God. This is a redemption accomplished through the obedient life, death, and resurrection of the incarnate Christ. Because of this redemption, the process of creating art can be an act of glorifying the living God.

What Is Art, and What Is the Purpose of Art?

2009-01-24T22:27:00.003-05:00

Art is beautiful things that human beings create. God created us in his image, and creativity is part of his image. Everything he creates is significant and beautiful. When human beings create significant, beautiful things, we reflect the glory of God.

It takes a lot of study and practice for us to make really good art, and even then the art we create now is nothing like the amazing art we will create in heaven. In heaven our study and practice and finished work will not be inhibited by effects of the Fall, like weariness, impatience, and lack of motivation. In heaven we will make all our art for God's glory, and never for our own. We will not create things out of hearts that are angry and hopeless and blind anymore. That kind of art expresses our pain and rebellious attitudes, but we actually were not made to create that kind of art.

The purpose of art is to tell the truth, to proclaim, to critique, to point out the unnoticed and the forgotten, to praise, to narrate, to make otherwise purely functional objects aesthetically pleasing, to express beyond the boundaries of words, to inspire and encourage, to bring delight. God gave us creativity so that we could be free to create beautiful, meaningful things – art that proclaims who God is, art that praises him, art that tells his rich epic. Art is useful in our interactions with one another. Art that is created to critique is not art if it merely depresses or disgusts us and does not help us to change our attitudes and call us to loving action. Real art enriches our lives.

Artist Statement

2009-01-24T21:55:00.002-05:00

When I watch the world around me, I am fascinated by details that are in a constant process of changing. I watch an evolution of color, size, texture, light and shadow. There is nothing in physical creation that does not change. Emotions are fluid as well. One moment is intense, the next is calm. Some transformations are immediate, while others unfold slowly.

In my art, I seek to capture movement and moment. I catch a split-second of a transformation I cannot control, and produce its likeness through a medium that I can control. I love using art to pause an atmosphere and to reveal an otherwise unnoticed point of shifting between one appearance and another.

Be Still My Soul.

2008-11-06T17:53:00.003-05:00

I believe this hymn is dearer to me than any other. It speaks to me so deeply... God's promises in it often bringing me to his arms in tears...

"Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know His voice
Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy works and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well-pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine."

I am a Contradiction

2008-11-03T19:10:00.006-05:00

Trembling verbal incarnation
I am a contradiction
Of systems, of values, of attitudes,
Of statements, of words, of meanings.

I am not un-created.
No, I am a sculpture
Sculpted by me:
I decide who I want to be,
And inDEcision
Destroys me.
I am a construction
Or maybe I am just
My own experiment.

I want to be a warm,
Tangible, real being -
Not a cold distant mind of
Dark matter in a dying skin.

Captive's Prayer

2008-10-12T22:36:00.005-04:00

O God, I am in a dungeon. I am in a dank, musty cave. I am hundreds of feet below the world. It is as dark as death here. My heavy shackles bruise and tear my skin. I am weak from hunger and weeping. Chills and soul-pain rack my body. I can hardly breathe; my life trembles. I lay down in the depths and from here I cry out to You, O Lord.

O Lord, rescue me! Rescue me as You did Your servant Joseph, as You did Your servant David. Show me Your faithfulness! Free me today from the chains that bind my hands! Let me see the sky; surround me with warm light! Let me breathe the fresh air again; feed me and give me rest. Heal my wounds, wipe away my tears, make my heart whole! Show me how to enjoy Your goodness, and teach me how to laugh once more. Only You can restore my soul; only You can create a clean heart in me, and renew within me a steadfast spirit.

Have mercy on me, O God Most High, according to Your unfailing love and the riches of Your grace! Have mercy on me!

Untitled song - 3.3,7,8.08

2008-03-07T13:26:00.004-05:00

My grip is weakened by long months,
A long winter of holding on.
You looked into eyes that could not keep meeting your gaze,
Told me to let go of those empty promises.
Your voice was clear:
"You cannot serve two masters.
You cannot hold my hand in one of yours,
And hold an idol in the other."

As all my little gods betray me,
I remember prayers of happier days-
I told you, "Make me holy, whatever the cost,"
Said, "I want to be like Jesus!"
I thought I could hold onto these idols,
But it was like grasping wind;
Now I'm left standing alone before you.

You are a Dangerous Refuge;
Before your face I fall on mine.
I have no strength left to fight,
I run weeping into your embrace.
I cling to you, weak as I am;
You speak to me gently:
"I'll let nothing separate you from my love-
for I AM. I AM. I AM."

Stream - 2.24.08

2008-02-25T11:05:00.001-05:00

Still, quiet my soul rests
As I feel the comforting touch of
The colorful breeze.
For only half the feel of light is warmth;
The other half a kiss of soft wind.

My closed eyes now open to see
The weaving pattern of light and silver
As a tapestry laid over the rocks.
It captures my mind, for I do not know
Where it comes from, or what
Beauty or filth may touch it
Where it shall travel.
Yet here
Its very sound is refreshing –
It fills my heart with life,
Just as when I taste it,
All that was dry and empty is
Filled again,
And my very life-breath
Renewed;
My burdens –
Vanished;
My thirst –
Satisfied.

Hiding Place - a sonnet

2008-01-24T22:08:00.001-05:00

In deepest, darkest fear I ran to hide.
Fast did my feet and my heart in rhythm pound,
Breaking a dead silence the only sound,
‘Til in dread despair to you, Lord, I cried.
Your face pure light, and your embrace so wide!
Besides you, God, there is no Solid Ground;
Except beneath your wings, no Refuge found.
All else is sand, washed away by the tide.
Sweet Lord, I run to you, my Hiding Place;
To your nail-scarred hand alone do I cling.
Let me forever look into your face,
With saints and angels your glory to sing.
May I honour you, my Liberator;
Live and die for you, Beautiful Saviour!

Non-conformist Conformation

2008-01-16T19:26:00.001-05:00

Nothing's obvious anymore.
Always, "It's complicated".
Remember the days when
Life was so clear?
It was close-minded, but at least
It was simple.
Try to see it from everyone's
Different perspectives
And you end up over-analyzing.

Confusing and Terrifying!
Life was never meant to be this way.
How did it come to this?
It is not what I wanted...
This is not who I wanted to be.

Refuge - 12.30.07

2008-01-10T23:15:00.001-05:00

These are the lyrics to a song I just wrote...

When I'm running away and scared
And all, it seems, is hopeless
When there's nowhere I can hide myself
And I know I can't just sleep it away

Then you remind me that
You're always here
I'll hide myself in you
My Refuge and my Peace, my Peace.

When I'm panicked and overwhelmed
With life's expectations and responsibilities
When I'm grieving and lonely and broken
And no-one's left to comfort and hold me

When guilt and failure overtake me
And break like a crushing wave over me
I'll hide myself in you
My Refuge and my Peace, my Peace.

I Hurt: Fallen & Broken Again

2007-12-15T21:45:00.000-05:00

Horseback riding high in the mountains across meadows in the sunshine. The air is fresh; Life is new and thrilling.
Happiness, Beauty, Peace, Fulfillment.

Lightning strikes from nowhere, Thunder fills the air with its loud and rolling sound, Horse rears abrupt and high, startled. Control completely lost.
Fear, Darkness, Chaos, Confusion.

Falling, falling down, Thrown from the saddle with wrist caught in the reins, Fighting to get free as the horse bolts towards who knows where, over the roughest terrain. Realization of being dragged in the dirt and across a million rocks.
Terror, Pain, Desperation, Hopelessness.

I'm dying!
Suddenly it stops. I am free. Breathe... Yes. I am alive, at least enough. But rest; just breathe again and again. Pain intensifies all over... I must be broken in a thousand places, maybe bruised and bloody beyond recognition. I can only think of one thing. Only one thing in my mind. I hurt. I hurt.
Devastation, Brokenness, Silence, Emptiness.

What now?!? A much more difficult journey than I imagined. A very very long fight for a survival. Deep struggling and hard decisions that weigh so very much. Delicate breaks that could snap beyond repair, and partially-closed cuts that could rip open and spill what life-blood I have left.

How ever did this start out happy? A beautiful beginning? There was peace? And how in the world did I feel so fulfilled? How did all this change? It makes no sense. Did I do something terribly wrong? I thought I had the whole world beneath my feet - or I thought at least that I was standing on a piece of solid ground just my size. But it wasn't solid because it wasn't Christ.

Apparently nothing is certain but God and his promises. Otherwise I wouldn't be lying broken in the dirt. God help me! It was you who raised me to life and sang to me in the beginning. I know I keep falling. Sing to me once more.
Comfort me, Fix me, Heal me, Pick me up... again.

Escucharte Hablar - My favorite song in Spanish

2007-11-19T20:36:00.001-05:00

(This isn't something of my own creation, but I really love it and I want to put it on here anyway. I'm not sure who wrote this song. Marcos Witt, maybe?)

Quiero escuchar tu dulce voz
Rompiendo el silencio en mi ser
Se que me haria estremecer
Me haria llorar o reir
Caeria rendido ante Ti
...
Y no podria estar ante Ti
Escuchandote hablar
Sin llorar como un nin~o
Y pasaria el tiempo asi
Sin querer nada mas
Nada mas que escucharte hablar.
...
I want to listen to your sweet voice
Breaking the silence in my soul
I know it would make me tremble
It would make me cry or laugh
I would fall surrendered before you
...
And I couldn’t be before you
Listening to you speak
Without crying like a child
And I would pass the time this way
Without wanting anything more
Nothing more than to listen to you speak.

Prayer - 11.14.07 (Day of Prayer)

2007-11-19T19:33:00.001-05:00

Lord, capture my heart and transform it
to be like that of your Son.
Make me holy, whatever the cost.
Break me and heal me, Father of all comfort.
Be my only true desire and joy,
And burn away every reflection
Until your face alone I see,
completely and in all your full, unfathomable,
and indescribable glory,
Mi Refugio, Domine.

Storm Song - 11.1,6,7.07

2007-11-06T14:14:00.002-05:00

Time freezes.

Fall down
Silence as loud as
Thunderous applause
Ringing in my ears
Strikes awe
Collapse
Light as frightening as
A touchable darkness
Blinding my eyes...

Ear-splitting shot.
Then rolling, real
THUNDER...

A hard, full rain
Not like little droplets, but
Like standing beneath a waterfall
A sound like thunder, or a
Thunderous applause
Soaking me, drenching me,
Washing away all that doesn't belong -
Now it would be
Hopeless to try to find the dirt
In the hurry of the flood
That swirls around my feet and
Rushes away to no one knows where.
Pure water streams down my
Heaven-turned face and
I delight in the taste and the
Fragrance of the rain
With hands raised high
Towards the heavens in
Fullness of joy
I embrace
The sanctifying torrent.

Fearful and Beloved

2007-10-29T09:40:00.001-04:00

Fearful:
Fearful was painfully self-conscious. She constantly worried about her physical appearance and her obvious lack of social skills. She wasn’t as awkward as she used to be... with huge round glasses, crooked teeth and a big over-bite, hair plastered back in a tight ponytail, and ill-fitting hand-me-down clothing. But she was still awkward and virtually friendless.

Fearful obviously had a huge struggle with fear. She idolized many people and things and places, for by doing so she temporarily had some belonging and a firm place to stand. The problem was that these foundations were built entirely on sand. They never ever lasted. That filled her with bitterness and pain and depression.

Honestly, Fearful was really an awful person. She worshiped reflections of God instead of God himself. She dishonored her parents, and struggled with theft and lust and lying. She dishonored God’s name by acting in ways extremely unworthy of the name of His Son. Fearful was very, very selfish, and she was lazy in her work, academics, relationship with her Creator, relationships with her friends and family, and her own physical and intellectual self-improvement. She had a bad temper too, which she usually managed to hide pretty well... but that temper had been a big part of her personality since she was very young. She used to take out her anger physically on her sisters and brothers, and even though she didn’t do that anymore, her mouth was full of cruel and hateful words when she was angry at them. She was greedy and materialistic. Whenever she did something selfless, she instantly ruined it by worshiping herself in her heart. Fearful did many more terrible and shameful things besides these.

But Jesus Christ died for Fearful because he loved her so deeply and passionately. He was punished for all these wicked things that she did. Fearful nailed Christ to the cross, denied him, beat him, spat on him, and made fun of him. But there is something important to explain at this point: Fearful is dead. She died with Christ. God’s perfect love cast out fear. So when Christ was raised to life, God raised to life with Him a totally transformed person who he named Beloved.

Beloved:
Beloved is God’s daughter. She is a part of the Bride of Christ. She often forgets who she is and whose she is, though, and acts like Fearful. But Beloved is not Fearful. God has made her who he wants her to be already, so she just needs to act like who she already is. Her identity – her entire identity – is in Christ. By his grace, she seeks God increasingly and passionately. He loves her so deeply, and so she is learning from him how to love. She loves to help build his kingdom by fighting injustice, loving people with his love, and telling people all about him. He has captured her heart – she is falling in love with him. Every time she sees a beautiful sunset, or hears a beautiful song, or reads a beautiful story, her heart aches to be with Jesus, the Source of all Beauty. She is weary of reflections of him – she just wants HIM! Now she is at the point where her greatest longing is to see him and be with him, and there is nothing on earth that she desires more than this.

Love fully.

2007-10-22T13:12:00.000-04:00

Life is short.
Love fully.
Love deeply and passionately and loyally.
That is how God loves us and has shown his love for us, and because of that, we can love. The power of that love conquers death, separation, and fear.
I want so badly to be with Jesus, but as long as he has me here on the earth, there is no other way I would rather spend every moment than by loving others the way he has loved me!
"And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13.13)
Life is short.
Love fully.

The "Stuff" Idol

2007-10-14T15:10:00.001-04:00

This morning at my home church (Grace Church of the Islands), the pastor preached on Luke 21.1-4, which says, "As he looked up, Jesus saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury. He also saw a poor widow put in two very smll copper coins. 'I tell you the truth,' he said, 'this poor widow has put in more than all the others. All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.'"

In the Bible, Jesus preached more about money than about heaven. It's something we very often consider more valuable than we consider him. I think it's ultimately the value of the World vs. the value of Christ. I am a very materialistic person. I love stuff, because it helps me to feel more comfortable - physically, emotionally, and socially. It's an idol in my life, because it's something I don't want to give to God. I've always refused to trust him for the comfort that I need. Would I give all I have? What if I gave it all to somebody I love, and then they just destroyed it all and never acknowledged me again for the rest of my life? Why do I keep buying more stuff and not giving really anything to those who actually need it? That is ridiculous. Do I really think I deserve anything at all? It doesn't even belong to me, it belongs to God! Why do I hold on so greedily to his gifts to me? How do I think that will bring me any joy? He watches how we use what he gives us - wether we use it for our own gain, or for his kingdom. Those are the only options. Because even if we're giving Christmas gifts, for example, we're either giving out of love, or so that we can feel good about ourselves. As my pastor said regarding true giving, "Guilt is not the motivation. Grace is."

I love serving. I love helping people out and making them happy by giving them my time. I want to give my time, but I don't want to give my money or posessions. I would give my life for my friends, but would I give all my posessions away for Jesus - my best friend? God knows I want to be generous, but why should he give me any opportunities to give to others if I keep being so materialistic and not trusting him to provide for me! I give to a level that feels comfortable and makes me happy with myself, but why am I not giving until it hurts? Derek Webb says it well when he sings, "I [God] want the things you just can't give me!" I must surrender it all. I must not stand on any foundation but Christ, because all else fails at some point. Christ is the only Solid Rock, the only Rock that is higher than I (Ps. 61.2b). There must be none of my walls left standing between me and my God. It's hard to let go and to stop trying to fight the Holy Spirit's transformation of our old way of life, but it is so rewarding because it pulls us so much closer to Jesus!

2 Corinthians 9.6-8, 11-15 says, "Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work...
...You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God. This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God's people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God. Because of the service by which you have proved yourselves, men will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else. And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you, because of the surpassing grace God has given you. Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!"
The obedience Paul is writing about is an obedience to God that comes out of love, not fear - and notice that it accompanies confession of the good news of Jesus. That glorifies God. It is worship.

May the Lord be FIRST in my life, WHATEVER the cost!

A little clarification

2007-10-13T14:15:00.000-04:00

All of my posts to this point have been things I had already written earlier this year, or even last year. Most of them are the first things I had ever written on such subjects and ideas as creativity and ministry, and I wanted to include them in this blog. I love writing - it helps me to process things and really think about what I believe, so I do plan to write some new stuff soon (when I have a little time).

Creativity - 3.18.06

2007-10-13T12:57:00.001-04:00

My favorite thing to do is to create. I love writing, painting, making music, and anything else that I can be original with. I usually feel closest to God when I am creating. For me, creating and worshipping nearly always go together. I wonder at the two strong feelings of longing and fulfillment that I experience when I create. It fascinates me that I can experience both of these feelings simultaneously. What I find even more amazing is that, in reality, these two emotions in my heart are my longing for God and my fulfillment in him. Yet I will never have a complete sense of fulfillment until I am in heaven with my God. All our feelings of longing and fulfillment are produced when we experience beauty. Every beautiful thing we can see, hear, smell, taste, and feel is merely a reflection of God, the Source of beauty. When we experience beauty, we feel a longing for the source – a longing to be inside the source, because only in Christ The Source Of Beauty can we find total fulfillment.

God is wonderfully creative. He has filled his creation with magnificent variety. There are millions of different kinds of seashells and insects and fishes. No two snowflakes are alike, and no two sunsets are alike. No two people are alike. And there is more variety than that. God has woven playfulness and restfulness into his creation. God has made the universe and filled it with light, and given us eyes to see the light. More than that, he has enabled us to see colors. I am so thankful to live in a world of color rather than one of merely black and white! There is variety in the seasons and the weather patterns, in the nebulae and the galaxies. Just take a moment to look up at the sky and see the different types of clouds or all the different constellations. These things are no accident! God has created these things to be the way they are for specific purposes. I want to use my creativity for specific purposes too – first of all for the worship, enjoyment, and glory of my Creator. I also want to use it to encourage and build up others, especially other believers. I want to use it to learn more about God, life, other people, and myself. I want to use it to teach and exhort people. I want to use it to help me sort out my many confusions and to put into words and visual art my thoughts, struggles, and triumphs.

All creativity comes from God the Creator – we can create nothing apart from him. Because creativity is a part of God's image that he has given to us, it should be used for redemptive purposes. When I write, I love combining words having to do with the effects of the Fall with words of redemption to make beautiful poems, stories, song lyrics, and even school papers. I see beauty in God's redemptive plan, and I seek to reflect it in all my art. It is most important that God's children, of all people, be the ones using the creativity God has given them. We should make ourselves more aware of beauty. We should come to the point where we frequently stop in the middle of our busy lives to be still and look at the beauty of the universe around us.

True beauty is a mysterious thing. It flows exactly opposite the world's strong current. If it weren't for the common grace given by God, the world would only be a place of the destruction of beautiful things. Common grace is a thing that God has given to all his creation – even to those who are not his children. It is the ability and desire to do good things, and the enjoyment of good things. Yet there is a higher grace – a grace given only to the children of God. One of the wonderful things about this grace is that it opens a person's spiritual eyes to spiritual beauty. I have seen the beauty of a Servant's heart – a thing that the world cannot understand. Even the children of God cannot fully comprehend it. I am fallen, but I have been made a daughter of God, so that the Holy Spirit is transforming my view and giving me an increasing understanding of the beauty of the Servant's heart. He is daily maturing me into what I already am. Because I have been redeemed, God sees me as beautiful – all the time. I honestly don't understand this. I'm not even sure I believe it. God says it’s true – he says so in his infallible Word, but I still have a hard time believing it whenever I am feeling full of guilt (as I often am). I do have a desire, however, to understand and believe this.

Since creativity is a part of God's image, and humans are the only ones in creation that are made in his image, humans are the only ones in creation that can appreciate creativity. Creativity is deeply woven into our souls – another thing that only humankind possesses. Western culture tends to suppress creativity. As a result, the older we get, the more we lose our creativity. It can only be regained with frequent and dedicated practice. I do not want to allow my creativity to be suppressed. I don't want that part of my soul to go ignored by me or anyone else. I can practice creativity in everything from my clothing to my paintings to my speech. Unfortunately, though, I am not as creative as I would like to be – or should be – in my day-to-day life. Neither do I take enough time to appreciate the creativity of others.

Music In My Life - 4.6.06

2007-10-13T12:45:00.001-04:00

Music is one of the most powerful things God has created. God uses it to move people's hearts. He has given us both the ability to hear it and the ability to create it. We can make music that expresses our feelings and thoughts, and produces certain feelings and thoughts in the heart of the listener. Music can cause emotions such as longing, sadness, frustration, happiness, and inspiration. Songs with lyrics can be even more powerful. Not only can they tell stories, but the language they contain can be uplifting or degrading, and can influence people greatly. Because of its strong influence, Satan uses it to draw people down into sin and depression. For example, he uses it coming from power-hungry artists to enslave their fans. Yet it is God who created music in the first place, and it is God who has ultimate control over it. He can use it to comfort a broken spirit. He can use it to bring joy and dancing to a weary traveler. He can use it to touch a child's heart and bring that child to the foot of the cross.

God has used music very powerfully in my life. Throughout my childhood, music was a major part of my life. I grew up in a musical family, where every child took lessons in both piano and violin. Not all of us enjoyed it. At times we hated it. But those tiresome music lessons, along with the hymns and psalms and other songs that we sang in church and at home, formed a strong musical foundation for my life. The music I played was primarily classical, while I would have much preferred to play more "popular" music and scores from movie soundtracks. Because I had to play so much classical music when I was young, I got tired of it. Only recently have I begun to enjoy listening to it frequently. I have never ceased liking songs meant for singing, though. I love singing, in all sorts of circumstances. The times that I sang by myself when I was young were usually either the times I was happy, or the times I was afraid. I realized early on that singing is one of the most comforting things to my heart.
When I was in middle school, I began to listen to a lot more music. When my eldest sister entered college, she was introduced to a whole new world of music, and she brought a little of it back to my sisters and I on her breaks. My own little world of music was opened up when my sister brought back two cassette tape recordings of CDs belonging to one of her friends. The tapes were of Michelle Tumes' albums Listen and Center Of My Universe. It impacted me, not only because it was Christian music, but because it was a beautiful, new sound. It was different from the hymns, psalms, and classical music I was accustomed to, yet not so vastly different that it made me feel uncomfortable. When I discovered that Michelle Tumes had released a third album, Dream, I bought it right away (that was the first CD I ever bought). My sisters and I were a bit shocked to find it far more upbeat than the first two albums, and it took a little getting used to, especially for my sisters. =)
When I was in high school, I began to branch out more in my musical tastes. I listened to music that had a positive effect on me spiritually. I also began learning to play the guitar and the mountain dulcimer, and played around with several other instruments.

Now in college, I am learning to play the mandolin and the banjo, though I consider the guitar my primary instrument. I also sing in the Chorale, and play the violin in the Orchestra. I listen to a whole lot more music than ever before.
Playing my guitar is one of the most stress-relieving things I do now. When I am sad or angry, or when I have just completed a test, it relaxes me to find a place to be alone and play music. It points me back to God, too.
I love creating new tunes for old hymns. New tunes for well-known hymns help people to see each hymn in a new way. Besides, sometimes the old tunes don't even match the mood of the lyrics.

Music has played a huge roll in my life even during this past week. A week ago, I went to a classical guitar concert by the world-famous Christopher Parkening. This was a big deal to me because I play a classical guitar, and am trying to learn to play the music of the same style. Afterwards I got to meet Parkening (who is a Christian), and have him sign the CD I had bought. Sunday evening of this past week, I sang at a local church with the Covenant Chorale. Later that night I received word that my grandmother was dying, so I left college for a few days to be with her and my family and to say goodbye to her. When I visited her in the hospital for the last time, I brought along a guitar and sang hymns to her. My mom, sister, brother-in-law, aunt, and grandfather joined me. It is truly a sweet memory. I don't know what music will influence me in the future, or what new instruments I will learn to play, or what kinds of songs I will write. I do know that I will always pursue music, because I see that God uses it to get my attention, comfort me, help me to get to know him better, and that through it I can praise him.

Thoughts on Missions/More on Ministry - 4.24.06

2007-10-13T12:28:00.001-04:00

Proclaiming the Gospel Through Our Actions...
Before Christ ascended into heaven after he had conquered death, he commissioned his disciples to go into all the world to preach the gospel of his coming kingdom (Matthew 28:18-20; Mark 16:15). He was commissioning them and us to be his witnesses. The meaning of the word witness is "to give evidence." We are not limited to giving evidence by words only. We can witness far more frequently and in many more ways by our actions. In other words, we do not have to know the language of those to whom we proclaim the gospel. Of course, it is very helpful and important to know the language, but it is not mandatory. While we are not always speaking, we are constantly acting -- constantly doing.
As a missionary to natives of Ecuador, Elisabeth Elliott proclaimed the gospel through the life she led. She did not know the language, but as the native people observed her in her day-to-day life, they saw the love of Christ in her. In fact, anything and everything they saw of Christ was in her life. The way we live our lives is truly a more effective testimony of Christ than our words are. If we don't "practice what we preach," people will not only find our message less attractive, but also less credible. We must demonstrate that we honestly believe what we are teaching. In some areas of the world, a missionary may spend his or her entire career on sowing the seeds of the gospel, yet never seeing any fruit for it. Though a missionary may never actually lead someone to the Lord, he or she is still called to live as a servant of the Lord.
To show Christ through the way we live, we must have a heart that desires and seeks a closer relationship with God. As one of my professors has said, "To minister in Jesus’ name, in his way, and by his power, your walk with him must be fresh." Spending time daily with God, reading and meditating on his Word, is a powerful way to develop that necessary and life-giving relationship. In addition to listening to God, we have got to talk to him. He wants us to talk to him about our ministry, to ask him for things in his will, to thank him for what he has done and how he has used us, to ask his forgiveness for the many times we fail him, and to accept his amazing grace!
God wants us to give ourselves away for him. It glorifies him when we sacrifice our own desires in order to show his love to people. When this becomes our lifestyle, the Holy Spirit moves fast and powerfully in our ministry. He longs to use us that way – to do incredible work through his children for the furthering of his kingdom. We need to catch that passion, because it glorifies God when we die to ourselves and live for him, acting in his power.

Ministering Incarnationally...
We as missionaries can have a more effective ministry through our lifestyles by living and ministering incarnationally. Christ's ministry was incarnational -- he became man, putting on flesh like us to minister to us. As John says in the Bible, "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us..." (John 1:14a). Christ became like us (though not fallen as we are) in order to make his ministry effective. We should do likewise, becoming like the people we minister to (except in their faults), embracing and adopting their cultures. Jesus embraced us unconditionally, and so we should do the same to others. Christians are the body of Christ (Romans 12), and are to be the hands of Christ, and putting feet on the gospel. We are to live out the gospel; we are to live out the life of Christ, even though it means suffering. God has been so gracious to us, and we in turn (and in thanksgiving) should be gracious to everyone we interact with, because all ministry is grace. This, as a part of proclaiming the gospel through our actions, will be a testimony to those to whom we minister that we really do care about them and about Jesus.
Love is essential to ministry – especially knowing the perfect love of God. 1 John 4:18 says that "perfect love drives out fear." This is true – perfect love does drive out fear, and it drives out prejudice and arrogance and grudges as well. Christ’s incarnational ministry shows us this. He himself felt fear and dread in the garden of Gethsemane prior to his betrayal and crucifixion. He knew he was about to go through severe suffering, death, and separation from the Father. He knew he was about to experience the wrath of the Father, and he was afraid, but his deep, perfect love was far greater than any fear. And so he took our punishment for our sins. This proves that the deep love of God overcomes even the deepest fear, so we no longer have any reason to fear. We don’t need to fear for our own well-being, financial stability, or public reputation.
We love because God loved us first. The reason for ministry is to show the love of God. Christians are to be Christ-imitators. We have got to recognize CHRIST AS OUR EXAMPLE for how to live, love, and minister. Romans 5:8 says, "but God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." If Jesus had merely given sermons and then had gone off on his own way to live a life of pleasure, we would all have remained dead in our sins. But he showed us his love when we were unlovely. There is no greater example for how we should treat other people and minister to them than Christ Jesus who gave his life to give us life, while we treated him as an enemy. That is real love. That is the kind of love we should be living, constantly giving of ourselves to love others, and so being a part of the advancing of Christ’s kingdom. The sacrificial love of God and the empowerment of the Holy Spirit make our ministry effective.

Embracing and Adopting the Culture of Those to Whom We Minister...
Cross-cultural understanding and adaptation goes hand-in-hand with incarnational ministry. The only way we can become like the people we wish to minister to is by immersing ourselves in their culture and adopting it as much as is possible and God-honoring. This will help build trust between the missionary and the nationals, contributing mightily to the success of the ministry.
Embracing a culture means resisting an attitude of superiority. It means keeping an open mind, not making assumptions, and maintaining a teachable spirit. It means looking for all that is good in a culture, instead of having eyes only for what is disagreeable. It means treating those who are not as well off as ourselves as equal to ourselves. Only by doing these things can we help people to realize their potential and identity in Christ.
Many missionaries of the nineteenth century showed an attitude of embracing and adopting the cultures they were entering into. Amy Carmichael, for instance, left everything to bring the gospel of the Kingdom to the people of India. She adopted Indian dress and anything and everything good about their culture. She lived like them so that she could have a truly effective ministry to them. Gladys Aylward did the same when she went to China as a missionary. This is a very special thing -- just look at how much God did through these two women and others who developed this type of lifestyle!
It is necessary that we realize and constantly remind ourselves, however, that everything does not depend on our success. Bryant L. Myers puts it well: "Care needs to be taken that we understand that we are being asked by God to be obedient, not successful." God desires our faithful obedience to him. Whether or not we are judged as successful by the world is really of no importance, because God, whose name we proclaim and in whose name we minister, is looking for the obedient heart who will follow and accept his will. Real success comes only through Jesus. Without the power of God, there is no real success.

Ministering Relationally...
It is crucial that missionaries minister relationally. In fact, it is impossible to truly minister in a way that is not relational. The gospel of Christ’s kingdom is a relational gospel. His Creation is a relational Creation. This means that the only way to touch a person’s heart and give them a desire to change is by proclaiming a relational gospel to God’s relational Creation. "The best condition for change in a human being is truth in the context of a relationship." It is good for trust to be established between missionary and unbeliever, because where there is trust there is an openness to what the other has to say, as well as a more likely acceptance and application to one’s own life and world-view.
One of the most important things about ministering relationally is showing people that you care (and God cares) about their physical needs. As James 2:15-16 says, "Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, 'Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,' but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?" There are so many people who are not as well off as we are. There will always be someone in need, someone poorer than us, someone whose physical needs we can help meet. Christ is the ultimate role model in ministering to people's physical needs. He went out of his way to heal the sick and provide food for the hungry.
Another important factor of ministering relationally is that we are to have an attitude of peace and peacemaking. People who bring and live God’s peace are easy to identify by their love and their patience, like a refreshing fragrance coming from their very presence. People such as these lay down there own preferences when doing so will maintain or bring peace. They are sacrificial when it comes to cultural bias, even though it can be extremely difficult on their part to do so.

Being Kingdom-Focused...
The nationals to whom you are ministering can see whether you value earthly, material treasures, or whether your treasure is a lasting one in your heart. They cannot help but notice whether or not you are focused on the Lord and his kingdom which you preach. We need to demonstrate a sharing attitude. That is produced by the understanding that nothing really belongs to us in the first place; every good thing is a gift from God, and should be used redemptively for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom. This includes money, skills, and all our resources. These things have been given to us so that we may learn to be good stewards, and to teach us how to be givers.
As we strive to live out all the things previously described, it is highly important that we maintain a constant focus on the end goal. Mission work is supposed to be a kingdom-focused activity -- that is the point of it. It would be wise of us to develop a kingdom-focused attitude in our lifestyles of ministry. A kingdom-focused missionary is an undistracted missionary. A missionary with his eyes on the end-goal will see far richer rewards in his ministry, because he has not lost sight of the whole point and purpose of his ministry. He realizes it is not about him. It is about the coming kingdom of Christ -- a kingdom that comes from Christ's death and resurrection, and the work of the Holy Spirit in the souls of those the Father has chosen.

8.13.07

2007-09-29T00:08:00.001-04:00

Don't tear me away!
We all tore away
And now I don't know what to do
How to act or
How to respond
I'm scared
It's awkward
My stability's gone.
Where did my routine go
Where's the schedule
Where's our structure
Where are WE?
You're gone but
There's hope...
right?
But I wish I wasn't here right now.
I don't like it
Sitting here alone...

4.21.07

2007-09-29T00:00:00.001-04:00

Open.
Wide, far, so high
And deep -- I know it is.
Filled with Free,
Glad with Real.
Blue.
Sunshine, breeze, so warm
And meaningful -- I know it is.
Satisfied with Relaxing,
Delighting with Fresh.
Life.
Glimpse of Heaven
Realization of Love.
Beautiful.

3.7.07

2007-09-28T23:52:00.001-04:00

Some confusion
Dust rising
From dry land and
Year-old memories
Tumbleweeds and mistakes
Blowing across a dirt road
That leads to places of
Broken hope
Which shadows and stifles and traps
The deceived ones.
What can I do?
Will I be received and
Why should I be.
But do I realize
I bring hope.

Ministry - 4/19/06

2007-09-26T10:11:00.002-04:00

God calls all of his children to ministry in some way. As Jesus came to the earth to minister to us in love by overcoming sin and death for us, so he calls those he died for to love and minister in his name. He has equipped each of us to do this. He has given us gifts that we are to use for ministry. He has loved us so that we can know how to love others, and has commanded that we do love others.

Love is a gift that God has given to each of us, but there are many other gifts that he has given that we do not all have. To different people he gives different gifts. Some people have gifts for teaching and preaching. Some are gifted musically, artistically, or athletically, while to others God has given minds to understand things like math, the use of words to move people, and the science of the creation. Some people have a gift for helping newcomers feel welcome and comfortable, and some people are gifted as prayer warriors. Some are leaders; some are followers.

When God’s church works together as it should, with each person using his or her gifts in ministry and to the edification of his church, the Holy Spirit moves fast and in awesome ways that are greater than all we can imagine. We need to use the gifts that God has given us to show his deep love to our brothers and sisters, to everyone we come into contact with, and to the nations. This requires more than a happy Christian mask that we can put on when we go to church or on a short-term mission trip. It requires a lifestyle of the ministry of Christ’s love.

We as God’s missionaries can have a more affective ministry through our lifestyles by living and ministering incarnationally. Christ's ministry was incarnational -- he became man, putting on flesh like us to minister to us. As John says in the Bible, "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us..." (John 1:14a). Christ became like us (though not fallen as we are, of course) in order to make his ministry affective. We should do likewise, becoming like the people we minister to (except in their faults), embracing and adopting their cultures. Christians are the body of Christ (Romans 12), and are to be the hands of Christ, and putting feet on the gospel. We are to live out the gospel; we are to live out the life of Christ, even though it means suffering. This, as a part of proclaiming the gospel through our actions, will be a testimony to those to whom we minister that we really do care about them and about Jesus.

In a lifestyle of ministry, it is absolutely crucial that we minister relationally. In fact, it is impossible to truly minister unrelationally. One of the most important things about ministering relationally is showing people that you care (and God cares) about their physical needs. As James 2:15-16 says, "Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, 'Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,' but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?" There are so many people that are not as well off as we are. There will always be someone in need, someone poorer than us, someone whose physical needs we can help meet. Christ is the ultimate role model in ministering to people’s physical needs. He went out of his way to heal the sick and provide food for the hungry.

Face the Wind.

2007-09-25T00:32:00.001-04:00

March 1, 2007

Face the Wind.
By Amy Marshall

Face the wind
Feel the pressure
It blows me away
It rushes past to God knows where
When I turn my self to stand in its path
Feel it Almost like
Radiant fingers Invigorating
Strokes energy through my flowing hair
Filling with joy my heart
Soul overflows with passion I feel
I hear nothing but the wind
It is everything in my ears
And when I finally speak
Words leave my mouth
And all leave presence
As wind captures them and
Steals them from the listening
To hoard them in its vast secret place
Far away beyond most imagination
Feel the wind
Speak into it your secrets
Taste, Smell its messages
Hear voices it carries
From animals and trees and
Storms and lovers
See it, watch its patterns
Where it comes from and goes to
Look at its journey, its traveling
But can’t
You can’t see it
But you can feel it
Somewhere it is deep
And its colours would be beautiful
Face the wind
Full-force you feel it and
It blows you away
Feel its soothing power
Breathe in life
Feel
Face the wind.

Life Resolutions

2007-09-25T00:29:00.001-04:00

I love pursuing holiness! It is a goal and a passion. In such a pursuit as this I only fear aiming too low, having too little faith, being lazy, being afraid... But as I live, I believe more and more with all my heart that I CAN do ALL things THROUGH CHRIST who gives me strength. I live by that as much as my faltering self will, and that explains much of any good thing you may see in me (because it's not me, but Christ in me), and why and how I am choosing to become the person I am becoming. I resolve NOT to be a bad steward of the life I have been given, NOT to settle for less than being whole, NOT to be afraid of all these things which are nothing in comparison to eternity -- and certainly nothing compared to my great God, and NOT to ever think of aiming any lower than straight up in striving for holiness and living a life of abundant love. 200+ years from now my name may only be one of interest to a researcher of family trees. But what is a name after the bearer is long gone to a place outside of time? No, I, as unworthy as I am, long to be remembered with the saints who have been given the name of Christ. Then I will be remembered not by those things which the world praises, but along with Christ and all the saints by the advancement of the kingdom through a LOVE that is infinitely greater than my soul can comprehend. Never ever for my glory or any other creature's, but Soli DEO Gloria!

Why do we allow ourselves to be so BUSY???

2007-09-25T00:27:00.001-04:00

Something I wrote last year...
Recently I've been reflecting a lot on the way we spend our time. I believe that we allow ourselves to be far busier than God created us to be... or at least we are too busy in certain things, while neglecting other things. We fall into this, as do our professors, our parents, our bosses, and pretty much everybody else. But our primary pursuits in life should be holiness and the spreading of the gospel. Not work. Not school. Not amusement. In moderation these things are good, but we've thrown moderation out the window. There is no room left for peace. King Solomon said that "there is a time for everything" (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8). So, how much of our time do we actually give completely to GOD'S work in the Church? in our own souls? And why on earth do we give in to the world around us in becoming busy in everything BUT the spiritual? Is it because it seems like an easier way to go? Because that's a lie! Keeping right in the center of the path of God may be extremely difficult, but it's also where we'll find the richest rest!! Why do we settle for less? Less than such rest, such rewards, such perfection... Pursue God! Pursue holiness and perfection! Be busy in what really matters, and don't ignore relationships and rest and quietness. If we are following God, we can never aim too high. I don't understand why most everybody is willing to believe the lie that says pure holiness is too hard (or even impossible) to reach, so that we should not even bother trying very hard! That's just lame. That just denies people a lot of joy in life and a much closer relationship with God. Don't aim any lower than straight up! God's children can do all things through His power.

A little about me

2007-09-25T00:10:00.001-04:00

Glimpse of my past---I've spent most of my life so far in Savannah, Georgia with my parents, 3 sisters, and 2 brothers. When I was in high school I lived in Costa Rica for my junior year, and in Chile for my senior year. I travel a lot (so far: U.S., Canada, Costa Rica, Panama, Chile, Scotland, Uganda, United Arab Emirates, China). Future---When I graduate I want to use my art and music as a testimony of God's love, faithfulness, and grace. I want to experience a lot of unusual and random jobs, and get married to a man who loves God. I belong to Jesus; he has taken the punishment for my sins, and I am going to live with him forever when I die.

I am a friend, a firefighter, a musician, an artist, and a writer. I am a student, a daughter, a sister. I like deciding who I want to be. I do not like words that end with "-ummy", and I feel like most flower names are kinda weird and not fitting for flowers. Learning and thinking are awesome, and singing is one of the best things in the universe. I am not afraid of the dark, but I am afraid of what's in the dark. I value loyalty very highly. I plan to continue discovering and creating forever. I hate fake; I love real. I don't like talking on the telephone, because we can't see eachother's eyes. I don't like to eat mushrooms or cabbage. I like cool names. I like the sound a screen door makes when it opens and then closes. I hate it that everybody gives up so easily, and that everyone thinks they have to be the same as everyone else. I like trust and sincerity a lot. Most clowns are scary... especially the smiling ones... unchanging facial expressions aren't natural. I like beautiful things that are bigger and stronger than me... thunderstorms, the ocean, wind, mountains... The night sky is amazing. And music... Music is for those many times when words are not enough... for when no human language can express the depth of fear or fulfillment, sorrow or joy, suffering, or beauty. But sometimes there are things too great to be expressed even through music or any art.

What I love: Talking to God, learning what love is and how to live it, heaven, riding horses, archery, sports in general, making and listening to music, farms, words, film, the colors blue and green, storms, cuddling, water, reading, honesty, traveling, & the outdoors. I love art, tea, symbolism, the beach, Scotland, deserted islands, animals, the sky, good coffee, and Latin America. I love spending time with my friends, listening to the stories of people's lives, running as fast as I can - especially when I can race someone. I love watching and hearing my friends make music. I love listening to my parents read to me, I like dancing, family meals, the absence of busyness, learning languages, playing RPGs ("people games") and Legos and Playmobile and storytelling (and just about anything really) with my sisters and brothers, and going for walks in drenching rain! I love it when people sing to me. I love the transforming power of God. I love sunny days; i love living. I love God and his beautiful people.

I LOVE REAL BEAUTY, and I love to discover it, because beauty is a reflection of God, and I want so much to see him! He is the Creator and Source of all that is truly beautiful. My deepest longing is intimacy with him.

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." (1 Cor. 13.12)

May I never be distracted by reflections.