Polar.

Cold confusion
A dark night with
Flowing colors and
Beautiful creatures
Enchanting territory
It’s frightening
The opposite pole is far away
The magnetism tugs at my soul and my body
And in this dim polar region
A voice of the air calls me to dwell
With a motive to capture and enslave me
To cause me pain and death in the icy exposure and
To cause me to fall through a façade of
Solidly frozen waters
To be swept into the ghostly jaws of
The whore and the priest
Who have drowned in this dark polar sea.

Burning Away the Mask

Blazing Sun
Burns away my mask,
Revealing a fearful soul so small;
I am tired and scarred.

I smell the Presence,
The fragrance of healing.
My hands reach out for
Invisible Reality,
As a Music -
Not in my ears but in my spirit -
Calls me passionately
To a life worth living.

Truth

Vibrantly ethereal
Truth.
So clear So exact So precise
Slicing through "impenetrable" darkness
Like a light of diamond.
Rays of color, rays of light -
We cannot touch it,
But it touches us gently.
The dark cannot touch it,
But Light crushes Dark with
Infinite force.

Inside

Look inside and
Find nothing
But something
That is
Both inside and outside, and-
So much bigger, greater, immense-
She is Unfathomable
He is Unquenchable
Ah, Indescribable!

My Current State

Process of protection
Enigmatic fact
Time and speech are no solace.

Where is rest?
I cannot find it.

ouch. ouch. ouch.

A scream is all I have to say.
I am too exhausted and broken in every way,
and cannot put more into words than this.

Prayer 3.21.09

Father God,
The darkness is engulfing me!
The darkness is crashing over me like a great wave.
The Spirit cries out within me,
But the fragrance of truth seems overwhelming.
So I want to reject it
And inside me is a battle between life and death.
Why is it that goodness sometimes seems too much to bear?
I do not see eternity; I do not see clearly.
I do not see that this is so much bigger -
There is so much more.

If I could describe a raindrop
Or if I could describe the depths of the night sky...
But I am small.
I am so limited in every way
Except...
In relationship with You.
You have set no limit there.
Only I set limits
Because my blindness causes me to fear.
I falter to trust, I tremble, I fall, I faint.
Save me, my God, the Life!
MY Life, Bring me into the light –
Let me see your light –
Even if I cannot see it and live.

I want to see you
I want to know you
I want to be with you,
I want to be with you all the time.
Every day of life that you've given me, I have hurt you.
But I know you love me still
Even though I do not understand why.
So bring me to you,
Bring me to you!
Make me holy
So I can be with you, God!

What Is Art, and What Is the Purpose of Art?

Art is beautiful things that human beings create. God created us in his image, and creativity is part of his image. Everything he creates is significant and beautiful. When human beings create significant, beautiful things, we reflect the glory of God.

It takes a lot of study and practice for us to make really good art, and even then the art we create now is nothing like the amazing art we will create in heaven. In heaven our study and practice and finished work will not be inhibited by effects of the Fall, like weariness, impatience, and lack of motivation. In heaven we will make all our art for God's glory, and never for our own. We will not create things out of hearts that are angry and hopeless and blind anymore. That kind of art expresses our pain and rebellious attitudes, but we actually were not made to create that kind of art.

The purpose of art is to tell the truth, to proclaim, to critique, to point out the unnoticed and the forgotten, to praise, to narrate, to make otherwise purely functional objects aesthetically pleasing, to express beyond the boundaries of words, to inspire and encourage, to bring delight. God gave us creativity so that we could be free to create beautiful, meaningful things – art that proclaims who God is, art that praises him, art that tells his rich epic. Art is useful in our interactions with one another. Art that is created to critique is not art if it merely depresses or disgusts us and does not help us to change our attitudes and call us to loving action. Real art enriches our lives.

Artist Statement

When I watch the world around me, I am fascinated by details that are in a constant process of changing. I watch an evolution of color, size, texture, light and shadow. There is nothing in physical creation that does not change. Emotions are fluid as well. One moment is intense, the next is calm. Some transformations are immediate, while others unfold slowly.

In my art, I seek to capture movement and moment. I catch a split-second of a transformation I cannot control, and produce its likeness through a medium that I can control. I love using art to pause an atmosphere and to reveal an otherwise unnoticed point of shifting between one appearance and another.

Artist Rationale': A Work In Process

All of life is a process: A process of aging, learning, maturing, working towards personal and social goals, and influencing others and stirring them to action. Process is historically a huge part of human existence. God used process as he created heaven and earth and every living thing, in time and space (both of which he also created). Human life, created in the image of God, is full of processes of creativity and discovery. Since the Fall, all human process involves taking some wrong turns, making some mistakes. It can involve extreme frustration, and sometimes failures which require starting over. For the Christian, another (very radical) process is a part of life as well: the process of spiritual sanctification. In fact, sanctification is not really a part of life at all. Rather it is the process by which every part of life is surrendered to Christ and transformed to be holy as Christ is holy.

The process of sanctification is oftentimes excruciatingly painful, because it inevitably breaks down the barriers our hearts build up around us to keep our Creator and Savior God at a “safe” distance. Sanctification also hurts because it ruins for us all the idols we cling to – idols which, although they would destroy us, we would choose above a passionately loving, tender, holy God. When God tears down the walls we build to surround us, he does not leave us unprotected. He surrounds us with his embrace, protecting our souls from separation from himself: the Life-giver without whom we are dead.

The Christian life is a journey toward knowing God. A journey is not a static thing. One who walks in the truth of the Word keeps walking... humbly, in freedom, in love, in the light of God's presence, with the wise, through the valley of the shadow of death, and in the paths of righteousness. Travelers look ahead, eager to reach their destination. No journey is more important for a person to travel than the journey of sanctification, and no destination is more important than to dwell with God, eternally glorifying and enjoying him. Whatever it takes, God's people will reach that destination.

One area of process that I have discovered to be closely entwined with sanctification is art. All art involves process. Process in art includes thought, verbalization, and discussion of ideas and concepts. It may involve much practice, research, conceptual drawings, smaller-scale models, and experimentation before the artist even begins to create the final piece. The final piece itself often requires a very complex process. Process is also involved in exhibiting an artwork. There can exist no finished work of art except through some process of making, just as no human being can become complete without undergoing the process of sanctification by the Holy Spirit.

Just because all art is created through a process does not mean that all art is good, true, and beautiful, however. Not all art possesses the same level of divine reflectivity; that is to say, not all art reflects the glory of God equally. In fact, some art does not reflect glory at all, except in that it was created by a person made in the image of God. The piece itself might be horrifyingly ugly and spiritually offensive and blasphemous.

So we see that not everything that develops through a process is good. As I mentioned earlier, sometimes we put ourselves through processes that take us down wrong paths and bear only bad fruit. I have put myself through many such processes whenever I have made decisions to try to control my life instead of surrendering my will to God. I have often turned away from God, wanting to live life my way instead of his way. I have tried to justify my choice of direction by questioning God's trustworthiness and goodness. If God is not who he says he is, then it is pointless for me to live my life for him; I should just try to make my life as comfortable and fun as possible. Traveling this path only multiplies my anger and fear and loneliness, leaving me feeling like a failure without hope. It leaves me feeling this way because I am estranging myself from a God who is who he says he is.

Many things that we have to do (or sometimes put ourselves through unnecessarily) are disagreeable, tedious, even grueling. Sometimes even working on a project that interests us can be an unpleasant process. For me, academic assignments are usually wrestling matches won (and sometimes lost) with – very literally – blood, sweat, and tears. But we live in a fallen world where nothing good can happen without some cost to someone somewhere, whether it costs their time, money, energy, reputation, or life. Everything I create, every song or painting or poem, every meal or school paper or self-presentation (in “reality” or cyberspace) costs me something. This paper, for example, is on a topic which is very interesting to me, and extremely relevant to my life. I want this to be a beautiful paper. Yet, squeezing ideas from my mind in verbal form feels like trying to squeeze the last remnants of toothpaste out of the toothpaste tube. On a far grander scale, the process of sanctification comes at tremendous cost: the cost of a potentially comfortable life and the cost of the world's approval. In other words, it costs us all of our idols. It involves denying self-interest, and clinging to God as our hope and life-breath. We will never do this on our own – this can only happen by the grace of God.

As difficult as creating can be, I cannot try to let it go or minimize its place in my life. Doing so would strip me of an enormous amount of my life's passion and purpose, because creating also brings me great joy. I am filled with excitement when I paint and carve and shape things. I love the feeling I get when I make something that is formally beautiful; when I mix paint into some intriguing color, and apply it to the canvas with just that perfect stroke... and it takes my breath away! I find so much delight in using my hands and tools to make smooth, curving, elegant forms. I cannot imagine living life without creating art, but I am sure I would find it miserable.

I believe that when I am creating I am being told a story, by something bigger than me – something outside myself, which I am retelling. God is the Great Creator, and he is the one who whispers the story into my heart. He allows me to tell his story in a new way, with the creativity he has given me as part of his image. I respond to what I am being told, as I react to each thing that “happens” in the piece I am working on. And when I tell God's stories faithfully, he is glorified.

God's stories rightly told are beautiful and good and true. This is not to say that none of them speak of brokenness. Christ became incarnate and was born as a baby, into a broken world that had no hope but him alone. Through his sinless life as both fully human and fully divine, Christ sanctified every part of life for his people. He gave us a hope and a future, and commanded us to share it with all people. He has given me a desire to share that hope and future through my art and my music.

Part of the importance of process to me is that it gives me something to look back on and continue to learn from. I have countless memories, beautiful and ugly, broken and whole, debilitating and healing, shameful and affirming, that I am able to call to mind. My past and my memories of it constantly effect my present thoughts and actions. Unfortunately, I often tend to bring the more negative sides of my memories to mind, and that focus usually results in more negative thinking in the present. My actions are then based upon or tainted by grudges, anger, and fear. Bringing to mind good and pure memories calls forth gratefulness, from which flows humble service and praise. My faithful art is that praise.

Process is a connection between art, sanctification, and Christ's incarnation. The process of art-making reflects the processes in God's story of his Creation, the Fall of humankind, and the Father's great Redemption of his children – a full redemption that sanctifies every child of God. This is a redemption accomplished through the obedient life, death, and resurrection of the incarnate Christ. Because of this redemption, the process of creating art can be an act of glorifying the living God.