Refuge

These are the lyrics to a song I just wrote...

When I'm running away and scared
And all, it seems, is hopeless
When there's nowhere I can hide myself
And I know I can't just sleep it away

Then you remind me that
You're always here
I'll hide myself in you
My Refuge and my Peace, my Peace.

When I'm panicked and overwhelmed
With life's expectations and responsibilities
When I'm grieving and lonely and broken
And no-one's left to comfort and hold me

When guilt and failure overtake me
And break like a crushing wave over me
I'll hide myself in you
My Refuge and my Peace, my Peace.

I Hurt: Fallen & Broken Again

Horseback riding high in the mountains across meadows in the sunshine. The air is fresh; Life is new and thrilling.
Happiness, Beauty, Peace, Fulfillment.

Lightning strikes from nowhere, Thunder fills the air with its loud and rolling sound, Horse rears abrupt and high, startled. Control completely lost.
Fear, Darkness, Chaos, Confusion.

Falling, falling down, Thrown from the saddle with wrist caught in the reins, Fighting to get free as the horse bolts towards who knows where, over the roughest terrain. Realization of being dragged in the dirt and across a million rocks.
Terror, Pain, Desperation, Hopelessness.

I'm dying!
Suddenly it stops. I am free. Breathe... Yes. I am alive, at least enough. But rest; just breathe again and again. Pain intensifies all over... I must be broken in a thousand places, maybe bruised and bloody beyond recognition. I can only think of one thing. Only one thing in my mind. I hurt. I hurt.
Devastation, Brokenness, Silence, Emptiness.

What now?!? A much more difficult journey than I imagined. A very very long fight for a survival. Deep struggling and hard decisions that weigh so very much. Delicate breaks that could snap beyond repair, and partially-closed cuts that could rip open and spill what life-blood I have left.

How ever did this start out happy? A beautiful beginning? There was peace? And how in the world did I feel so fulfilled? How did all this change? It makes no sense. Did I do something terribly wrong? I thought I had the whole world beneath my feet - or I thought at least that I was standing on a piece of solid ground just my size. But it wasn't solid because it wasn't Christ.

Apparently nothing is certain but God and his promises. Otherwise I wouldn't be lying broken in the dirt. God help me! It was you who raised me to life and sang to me in the beginning. I know I keep falling. Sing to me once more.
Comfort me, Fix me, Heal me, Pick me up... again.

Prayer (Day of Prayer)

Lord, capture my heart and transform it
to be like that of your Son.
Make me holy, whatever the cost.
Break me and heal me, Father of all comfort.
Be my only true desire and joy,
And burn away every reflection
Until your face alone I see,
completely and in all your full, unfathomable,
and indescribable glory,
Mi Refugio, Domine.

Storm Song - 11.1,6,7.07

Time freezes.

Fall down
Silence as loud as
Thunderous applause
Ringing in my ears
Strikes awe
Collapse
Light as frightening as
A touchable darkness
Blinding my eyes...

Ear-splitting shot.
Then rolling, real
THUNDER...

A hard, full rain
Not like little droplets, but
Like standing beneath a waterfall
A sound like thunder, or a
Thunderous applause
Soaking me, drenching me,
Washing away all that doesn't belong -
Now it would be
Hopeless to try to find the dirt
In the hurry of the flood
That swirls around my feet and
Rushes away to no one knows where.
Pure water streams down my
Heaven-turned face and
I delight in the taste and the
Fragrance of the rain
With hands raised high
Towards the heavens in
Fullness of joy
I embrace
The sanctifying torrent.

Creativity - 3.18.06

My favorite thing to do is to create. I love writing, painting, making music, and anything else that I can be original with. I usually feel closest to God when I am creating. For me, creating and worshipping nearly always go together. I wonder at the two strong feelings of longing and fulfillment that I experience when I create. It fascinates me that I can experience both of these feelings simultaneously. What I find even more amazing is that, in reality, these two emotions in my heart are my longing for God and my fulfillment in him. Yet I will never have a complete sense of fulfillment until I am in heaven with my God. All our feelings of longing and fulfillment are produced when we experience beauty. Every beautiful thing we can see, hear, smell, taste, and feel is merely a reflection of God, the Source of beauty. When we experience beauty, we feel a longing for the source – a longing to be inside the source, because only in Christ The Source Of Beauty can we find total fulfillment.

God is wonderfully creative. He has filled his creation with magnificent variety. There are millions of different kinds of seashells and insects and fishes. No two snowflakes are alike, and no two sunsets are alike. No two people are alike. And there is more variety than that. God has woven playfulness and restfulness into his creation. God has made the universe and filled it with light, and given us eyes to see the light. More than that, he has enabled us to see colors. I am so thankful to live in a world of color rather than one of merely black and white! There is variety in the seasons and the weather patterns, in the nebulae and the galaxies. Just take a moment to look up at the sky and see the different types of clouds or all the different constellations. These things are no accident! God has created these things to be the way they are for specific purposes. I want to use my creativity for specific purposes too – first of all for the worship, enjoyment, and glory of my Creator. I also want to use it to encourage and build up others, especially other believers. I want to use it to learn more about God, life, other people, and myself. I want to use it to teach and exhort people. I want to use it to help me sort out my many confusions and to put into words and visual art my thoughts, struggles, and triumphs.

All creativity comes from God the Creator – we can create nothing apart from him. Because creativity is a part of God's image that he has given to us, it should be used for redemptive purposes. When I write, I love combining words having to do with the effects of the Fall with words of redemption to make beautiful poems, stories, song lyrics, and even school papers. I see beauty in God's redemptive plan, and I seek to reflect it in all my art. It is most important that God's children, of all people, be the ones using the creativity God has given them. We should make ourselves more aware of beauty. We should come to the point where we frequently stop in the middle of our busy lives to be still and look at the beauty of the universe around us.

True beauty is a mysterious thing. It flows exactly opposite the world's strong current. If it weren't for the grace given by God, the world would only be a place of the destruction of beautiful things. "Common" grace is a thing that God has given to all his creation – even to those who are not his children. It is the ability and desire to do good things, and the enjoyment of good things. Yet there is a higher grace – a grace given only to the children of God. One of the wonderful things about this grace is that it opens a person's spiritual eyes to spiritual beauty. I have seen the beauty of a Servant's heart – a thing that the world cannot understand. Even we the children of God cannot fully comprehend it. I am fallen, but I have been made a daughter of God, so that the Holy Spirit is transforming my view and giving me an increasing understanding of the beauty of the Servant's heart. He is daily maturing me into what I already am. Because I have been redeemed, God sees me as beautiful – all the time. I honestly don't understand this. I'm not even sure I believe it. God says it’s true – he says so in his infallible Word, but I still have a hard time believing it whenever I am feeling full of guilt (as I often am). I do have a desire, however, to understand and believe this.

Since creativity is a part of God's image, and humans are the only ones in creation that are made in his image, humans are the only ones in creation that can appreciate creativity. Creativity is deeply woven into our souls – another thing that only humankind possesses. Western culture tends to suppress creativity, despite its claims for the opposite. As a result, the older we get, the more we lose our creativity. It can only be regained with frequent and dedicated practice. I do not want to allow my creativity to be suppressed. I don't want that part of my soul to go ignored by me or anyone else. I can practice creativity in everything from my clothing to my paintings to my speech.

8.13.07

Don't tear me away!
We all tore away
And now I don't know what to do
How to act or
How to respond
I'm scared
It's awkward
My stability's gone.
Where did my routine go
Where's the schedule
Where's our structure
Where are WE?
You're gone but
There's hope...
right?
But I wish I wasn't here right now.
I don't like it
Sitting here alone...

4.21.07

Open.
Wide, far, so high
And deep -- I know it is.
Filled with Free,
Glad with Real.
Blue.
Sunshine, breeze, so warm
And meaningful -- I know it is.
Satisfied with Relaxing,
Delighting with Fresh.
Life.
Glimpse of Heaven
Realization of Love.
Beautiful.

3.7.07

Some confusion
Dust rising
From dry land and
Year-old memories
Tumbleweeds and mistakes
Blowing across a dirt road
That leads to places of
Broken hope
Which shadows and stifles and traps
The deceived ones.
What can I do?
Will I be received and
Why should I be.
But do I realize
I bring hope.

Face the Wind.

March 1, 2007

Face the Wind.
By Amy Marshall

Face the wind
Feel the pressure
It blows me away
It rushes past to God knows where
When I turn my self to stand in its path
Feel it Almost like
Radiant fingers Invigorating
Strokes energy through my flowing hair
Filling with joy my heart
Soul overflows with passion I feel
I hear nothing but the wind
It is everything in my ears
And when I finally speak
Words leave my mouth
And all leave presence
As wind captures them and
Steals them from the listening
To hoard them in its vast secret place
Far away beyond most imagination
Feel the wind
Speak into it your secrets
Taste, Smell its messages
Hear voices it carries
From animals and trees and
Storms and lovers
See it, watch its patterns
Where it comes from and goes to
Look at its journey, its traveling
But can’t
You can’t see it
But you can feel it
Somewhere it is deep
And its colours would be beautiful
Face the wind
Full-force you feel it and
It blows you away
Feel its soothing power
Breathe in life
Feel
Face the wind.