Artist Rationale': A Work In Process

All of life is a process: A process of aging, learning, maturing, working towards personal and social goals, and influencing others and stirring them to action. Process is historically a huge part of human existence. God used process as he created heaven and earth and every living thing, in time and space (both of which he also created). Human life, created in the image of God, is full of processes of creativity and discovery. Since the Fall, all human process involves taking some wrong turns, making some mistakes. It can involve extreme frustration, and sometimes failures which require starting over. For the Christian, another (very radical) process is a part of life as well: the process of spiritual sanctification. In fact, sanctification is not really a part of life at all. Rather it is the process by which every part of life is surrendered to Christ and transformed to be holy as Christ is holy.

The process of sanctification is oftentimes excruciatingly painful, because it inevitably breaks down the barriers our hearts build up around us to keep our Creator and Savior God at a “safe” distance. Sanctification also hurts because it ruins for us all the idols we cling to – idols which, although they would destroy us, we would choose above a passionately loving, tender, holy God. When God tears down the walls we build to surround us, he does not leave us unprotected. He surrounds us with his embrace, protecting our souls from separation from himself: the Life-giver without whom we are dead.

The Christian life is a journey toward knowing God. A journey is not a static thing. One who walks in the truth of the Word keeps walking... humbly, in freedom, in love, in the light of God's presence, with the wise, through the valley of the shadow of death, and in the paths of righteousness. Travelers look ahead, eager to reach their destination. No journey is more important for a person to travel than the journey of sanctification, and no destination is more important than to dwell with God, eternally glorifying and enjoying him. Whatever it takes, God's people will reach that destination.

One area of process that I have discovered to be closely entwined with sanctification is art. All art involves process. Process in art includes thought, verbalization, and discussion of ideas and concepts. It may involve much practice, research, conceptual drawings, smaller-scale models, and experimentation before the artist even begins to create the final piece. The final piece itself often requires a very complex process. Process is also involved in exhibiting an artwork. There can exist no finished work of art except through some process of making, just as no human being can become complete without undergoing the process of sanctification by the Holy Spirit.

Just because all art is created through a process does not mean that all art is good, true, and beautiful, however. Not all art possesses the same level of divine reflectivity; that is to say, not all art reflects the glory of God equally. In fact, some art does not reflect glory at all, except in that it was created by a person made in the image of God. The piece itself might be horrifyingly ugly and spiritually offensive and blasphemous.

So we see that not everything that develops through a process is good. As I mentioned earlier, sometimes we put ourselves through processes that take us down wrong paths and bear only bad fruit. I have put myself through many such processes whenever I have made decisions to try to control my life instead of surrendering my will to God. I have often turned away from God, wanting to live life my way instead of his way. I have tried to justify my choice of direction by questioning God's trustworthiness and goodness. If God is not who he says he is, then it is pointless for me to live my life for him; I should just try to make my life as comfortable and fun as possible. Traveling this path only multiplies my anger and fear and loneliness, leaving me feeling like a failure without hope. It leaves me feeling this way because I am estranging myself from a God who is who he says he is.

Many things that we have to do (or sometimes put ourselves through unnecessarily) are disagreeable, tedious, even grueling. Sometimes even working on a project that interests us can be an unpleasant process. For me, academic assignments are usually wrestling matches won (and sometimes lost) with – very literally – blood, sweat, and tears. But we live in a fallen world where nothing good can happen without some cost to someone somewhere, whether it costs their time, money, energy, reputation, or life. Everything I create, every song or painting or poem, every meal or school paper or self-presentation (in “reality” or cyberspace) costs me something. This paper, for example, is on a topic which is very interesting to me, and extremely relevant to my life. I want this to be a beautiful paper. Yet, squeezing ideas from my mind in verbal form feels like trying to squeeze the last remnants of toothpaste out of the toothpaste tube. On a far grander scale, the process of sanctification comes at tremendous cost: the cost of a potentially comfortable life and the cost of the world's approval. In other words, it costs us all of our idols. It involves denying self-interest, and clinging to God as our hope and life-breath. We will never do this on our own – this can only happen by the grace of God.

As difficult as creating can be, I cannot try to let it go or minimize its place in my life. Doing so would strip me of an enormous amount of my life's passion and purpose, because creating also brings me great joy. I am filled with excitement when I paint and carve and shape things. I love the feeling I get when I make something that is formally beautiful; when I mix paint into some intriguing color, and apply it to the canvas with just that perfect stroke... and it takes my breath away! I find so much delight in using my hands and tools to make smooth, curving, elegant forms. I cannot imagine living life without creating art, but I am sure I would find it miserable.

I believe that when I am creating I am being told a story, by something bigger than me – something outside myself, which I am retelling. God is the Great Creator, and he is the one who whispers the story into my heart. He allows me to tell his story in a new way, with the creativity he has given me as part of his image. I respond to what I am being told, as I react to each thing that “happens” in the piece I am working on. And when I tell God's stories faithfully, he is glorified.

God's stories rightly told are beautiful and good and true. This is not to say that none of them speak of brokenness. Christ became incarnate and was born as a baby, into a broken world that had no hope but him alone. Through his sinless life as both fully human and fully divine, Christ sanctified every part of life for his people. He gave us a hope and a future, and commanded us to share it with all people. He has given me a desire to share that hope and future through my art and my music.

Part of the importance of process to me is that it gives me something to look back on and continue to learn from. I have countless memories, beautiful and ugly, broken and whole, debilitating and healing, shameful and affirming, that I am able to call to mind. My past and my memories of it constantly effect my present thoughts and actions. Unfortunately, I often tend to bring the more negative sides of my memories to mind, and that focus usually results in more negative thinking in the present. My actions are then based upon or tainted by grudges, anger, and fear. Bringing to mind good and pure memories calls forth gratefulness, from which flows humble service and praise. My faithful art is that praise.

Process is a connection between art, sanctification, and Christ's incarnation. The process of art-making reflects the processes in God's story of his Creation, the Fall of humankind, and the Father's great Redemption of his children – a full redemption that sanctifies every child of God. This is a redemption accomplished through the obedient life, death, and resurrection of the incarnate Christ. Because of this redemption, the process of creating art can be an act of glorifying the living God.

Be Still My Soul

I believe this hymn is dearer to me than any other. It speaks to me so deeply... God's great and precious promises bring me to his arms in tears.

Be Still My Soul
by Katharina Amalia Dorothea von Schlegel, 1752
(translated from German to English by Jane Laurie Borthwick, 1855)

"Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know His voice
Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy works and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well-pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine."

I am a Contradiction

Trembling verbal incarnation
I am a contradiction
Of systems, of values, of attitudes,
Of statements, of words, of meanings.

I am not un-created.
No, I am a sculpture
Sculpted by me:
I decide who I want to be,
And inDEcision
Destroys me.
I am a construction
Or maybe I am just
My own experiment.

I want to be a warm,
Tangible, real being -
Not a cold distant mind of
Dark matter in a dying skin.

Captive's Prayer

O God, I am in a dungeon. I am in a dank, musty cave. I am hundreds of feet below the world. It is as dark as death here. My heavy shackles bruise and tear my skin. I am weak from hunger and weeping. Chills and soul-pain rack my body. I can hardly breathe; my life trembles. I lay down in the depths and from here I cry out to You, O Lord.

O Lord, rescue me! Rescue me as You did Your servant Joseph, as You did Your servant David. Show me Your faithfulness! Free me today from the chains that bind my hands! Let me see the sky; surround me with warm light! Let me breathe the fresh air again; feed me and give me rest. Heal my wounds, wipe away my tears, make my heart whole! Show me how to enjoy Your goodness, and teach me how to laugh once more. Only You can restore my soul; only You can create a clean heart in me, and renew within me a steadfast spirit.

Have mercy on me, O God Most High, according to Your unfailing love and the riches of Your grace! Have mercy on me!

Untitled song - 3.3,7,8.08

My grip is weakened by long months,
A long winter of holding on.
You looked into eyes that could not keep meeting your gaze,
Told me to let go of those empty promises.
Your voice was clear:
"You cannot serve two masters.
You cannot hold my hand in one of yours,
And hold an idol in the other."

As all my little gods betray me,
I remember prayers of happier days-
I told you, "Make me holy, whatever the cost,"
Said, "I want to be like Jesus!"
I thought I could hold onto these idols,
But it was like grasping wind;
Now I'm left standing alone before you.

You are a Dangerous Refuge;
Before your face I fall on mine.
I have no strength left to fight,
I run weeping into your embrace.
I cling to you, weak as I am;
You speak to me gently:
"I'll let nothing separate you from my love-
for I'm the I AM. I AM. I AM."

Stream

Still, quiet my soul rests
As I feel the comforting touch of
The colorful breeze.
For only half the feel of light is warmth;
The other half a kiss of soft wind.

My closed eyes now open to see
The weaving pattern of light and silver
As a tapestry laid over the rocks.
It captures my mind, for I do not know
Where it comes from, or what
Beauty or filth may touch it
Where it shall travel.
Yet here
Its very sound is refreshing –
It fills my heart with life,
Just as when I taste it,
All that was dry and empty is
Filled again,
And my very life-breath
Renewed;
My burdens –
Vanished;
My thirst –
Satisfied.

Hiding Place

In deepest, darkest fear I ran to hide.
Fast did my feet and my heart in rhythm pound,
Breaking a dead silence the only sound,
‘Til in dread despair to you, Lord, I cried.
Your face pure light, and your embrace so wide!
Besides you, God, there is no Solid Ground;
Except beneath your wings, no Refuge found.
All else is sand, washed away by the tide.
Sweet Lord, I run to you, my Hiding Place;
To your nail-scarred hand alone do I cling.
Let me forever look into your face,
With saints and angels your glory to sing.
May I honour you, my Liberator;
Live and die for you, Beautiful Saviour!

Non-conformist Conformation

Nothing's obvious anymore.
Always, "It's complicated".
Remember the days when
Life was so clear?
It was close-minded, but at least
It was simple.
Try to see it from everyone's
Different perspectives
And you end up over-analyzing.

Confusing and Terrifying!
Life was never meant to be this way.
How did it come to this?
It is not what I wanted...
This is not who I wanted to be.