Me and Not Me

That's not me.
That's not mine.
My promise is in the river,
Running its course,
Eddying 'round rocks;
Acts for all to see,
Written in the sky
Over my head -
I'm in over my head.

     Unacceptable, unspeakable, unknowable.
     We hushed each other's voices.
     We silenced each other's voices
     Before our mouths ever opened.
     Who knows me? Who knows me?

You happy dragons feasting
On one another's want and being.
I'll watch you have
That which I cannot have,
Though you pay
Much for your freedom -
While Someone else
Bought mine.

     Unaccepted, unspoken, unknown.
     We covered me with a safety net.
     We covered me in a safety net and
     Protected me in a cage.
     Where is my place? Where is my home?

Most days I grieve
What I've let go;
Most days I still look back.
It's hard to see
Six-hued birds flying free,
And black and white ones
Standing neatly,
While I huddle gray -
Invisible, unseen.