O God, I am in a dungeon. I am in a dank, musty cave. I am hundreds of feet below the world. It is as dark as death here. My heavy shackles bruise and tear my skin. I am weak from hunger and weeping. Chills and soul-pain rack my body. I can hardly breathe; my life trembles. I lay down in the depths and from here I cry out to You, O Lord.
O Lord, rescue me! Rescue me as You did Your servant Joseph, as You did Your servant David. Show me Your faithfulness! Free me today from the chains that bind my hands! Let me see the sky; surround me with warm light! Let me breathe the fresh air again; feed me and give me rest. Heal my wounds, wipe away my tears, make my heart whole! Show me how to enjoy Your goodness, and teach me how to laugh once more. Only You can restore my soul; only You can create a clean heart in me, and renew within me a steadfast spirit.
Have mercy on me, O God Most High, according to Your unfailing love and the riches of Your grace! Have mercy on me!
Sunday, 12 October 2008
Friday, 7 March 2008
Untitled song - 3.3,7,8.08
My grip is weakened by long months,
A long winter of holding on.
You looked into eyes that could not keep meeting your gaze,
Told me to let go of those empty promises.
Your voice was clear:
"You cannot serve two masters.
You cannot hold my hand in one of yours,
And hold an idol in the other."
As all my little gods betray me,
I remember prayers of happier days-
I told you, "Make me holy, whatever the cost,"
Said, "I want to be like Jesus!"
I thought I could hold onto these idols,
But it was like grasping wind;
Now I'm left standing alone before you.
You are a Dangerous Refuge;
Before your face I fall on mine.
I have no strength left to fight,
I run weeping into your embrace.
I cling to you, weak as I am;
You speak to me gently:
"I'll let nothing separate you from my love-
for I'm the I AM. I AM. I AM."
A long winter of holding on.
You looked into eyes that could not keep meeting your gaze,
Told me to let go of those empty promises.
Your voice was clear:
"You cannot serve two masters.
You cannot hold my hand in one of yours,
And hold an idol in the other."
As all my little gods betray me,
I remember prayers of happier days-
I told you, "Make me holy, whatever the cost,"
Said, "I want to be like Jesus!"
I thought I could hold onto these idols,
But it was like grasping wind;
Now I'm left standing alone before you.
You are a Dangerous Refuge;
Before your face I fall on mine.
I have no strength left to fight,
I run weeping into your embrace.
I cling to you, weak as I am;
You speak to me gently:
"I'll let nothing separate you from my love-
for I'm the I AM. I AM. I AM."
Sunday, 24 February 2008
Stream
Still, quiet my soul rests
As I feel the comforting touch of
The colorful breeze.
For only half the feel of light is warmth;
The other half a kiss of soft wind.
My closed eyes now open to see
The weaving pattern of light and silver
As a tapestry laid over the rocks.
It captures my mind, for I do not know
Where it comes from, or what
Beauty or filth may touch it
Where it shall travel.
Yet here
Its very sound is refreshing –
It fills my heart with life,
Just as when I taste it,
All that was dry and empty is
Filled again,
And my very life-breath
Renewed;
My burdens –
Vanished;
My thirst –
Satisfied.
As I feel the comforting touch of
The colorful breeze.
For only half the feel of light is warmth;
The other half a kiss of soft wind.
My closed eyes now open to see
The weaving pattern of light and silver
As a tapestry laid over the rocks.
It captures my mind, for I do not know
Where it comes from, or what
Beauty or filth may touch it
Where it shall travel.
Yet here
Its very sound is refreshing –
It fills my heart with life,
Just as when I taste it,
All that was dry and empty is
Filled again,
And my very life-breath
Renewed;
My burdens –
Vanished;
My thirst –
Satisfied.
Thursday, 24 January 2008
Hiding Place
In deepest, darkest fear I ran to hide.
Fast did my feet and my heart in rhythm pound,
Breaking a dead silence the only sound,
‘Til in dread despair to you, Lord, I cried.
Your face pure light, and your embrace so wide!
Besides you, God, there is no Solid Ground;
Except beneath your wings, no Refuge found.
All else is sand, washed away by the tide.
Sweet Lord, I run to you, my Hiding Place;
To your nail-scarred hand alone do I cling.
Let me forever look into your face,
With saints and angels your glory to sing.
May I honour you, my Liberator;
Live and die for you, Beautiful Saviour!
Fast did my feet and my heart in rhythm pound,
Breaking a dead silence the only sound,
‘Til in dread despair to you, Lord, I cried.
Your face pure light, and your embrace so wide!
Besides you, God, there is no Solid Ground;
Except beneath your wings, no Refuge found.
All else is sand, washed away by the tide.
Sweet Lord, I run to you, my Hiding Place;
To your nail-scarred hand alone do I cling.
Let me forever look into your face,
With saints and angels your glory to sing.
May I honour you, my Liberator;
Live and die for you, Beautiful Saviour!
Wednesday, 16 January 2008
Non-conformist Conformation
Nothing's obvious anymore.
Always, "It's complicated".
Remember the days when
Life was so clear?
It was close-minded, but at least
It was simple.
Try to see it from everyone's
Different perspectives
And you end up over-analyzing.
Confusing and Terrifying!
Life was never meant to be this way.
How did it come to this?
It is not what I wanted...
This is not who I wanted to be.
Always, "It's complicated".
Remember the days when
Life was so clear?
It was close-minded, but at least
It was simple.
Try to see it from everyone's
Different perspectives
And you end up over-analyzing.
Confusing and Terrifying!
Life was never meant to be this way.
How did it come to this?
It is not what I wanted...
This is not who I wanted to be.
Sunday, 30 December 2007
Refuge
These are the lyrics to a song I just wrote...
When I'm running away and scared
And all, it seems, is hopeless
When there's nowhere I can hide myself
And I know I can't just sleep it away
Then you remind me that
You're always here
I'll hide myself in you
My Refuge and my Peace, my Peace.
When I'm panicked and overwhelmed
With life's expectations and responsibilities
When I'm grieving and lonely and broken
And no-one's left to comfort and hold me
When guilt and failure overtake me
And break like a crushing wave over me
I'll hide myself in you
My Refuge and my Peace, my Peace.
When I'm running away and scared
And all, it seems, is hopeless
When there's nowhere I can hide myself
And I know I can't just sleep it away
Then you remind me that
You're always here
I'll hide myself in you
My Refuge and my Peace, my Peace.
When I'm panicked and overwhelmed
With life's expectations and responsibilities
When I'm grieving and lonely and broken
And no-one's left to comfort and hold me
When guilt and failure overtake me
And break like a crushing wave over me
I'll hide myself in you
My Refuge and my Peace, my Peace.
Saturday, 15 December 2007
I Hurt: Fallen & Broken Again
Horseback riding high in the mountains across meadows in the sunshine. The air is fresh; Life is new and thrilling.
Happiness, Beauty, Peace, Fulfillment.
Lightning strikes from nowhere, Thunder fills the air with its loud and rolling sound, Horse rears abrupt and high, startled. Control completely lost.
Fear, Darkness, Chaos, Confusion.
Falling, falling down, Thrown from the saddle with wrist caught in the reins, Fighting to get free as the horse bolts towards who knows where, over the roughest terrain. Realization of being dragged in the dirt and across a million rocks.
Terror, Pain, Desperation, Hopelessness.
I'm dying!
Suddenly it stops. I am free. Breathe... Yes. I am alive, at least enough. But rest; just breathe again and again. Pain intensifies all over... I must be broken in a thousand places, maybe bruised and bloody beyond recognition. I can only think of one thing. Only one thing in my mind. I hurt. I hurt.
Devastation, Brokenness, Silence, Emptiness.
What now?!? A much more difficult journey than I imagined. A very very long fight for a survival. Deep struggling and hard decisions that weigh so very much. Delicate breaks that could snap beyond repair, and partially-closed cuts that could rip open and spill what life-blood I have left.
How ever did this start out happy? A beautiful beginning? There was peace? And how in the world did I feel so fulfilled? How did all this change? It makes no sense. Did I do something terribly wrong? I thought I had the whole world beneath my feet - or I thought at least that I was standing on a piece of solid ground just my size. But it wasn't solid because it wasn't Christ.
Apparently nothing is certain but God and his promises. Otherwise I wouldn't be lying broken in the dirt. God help me! It was you who raised me to life and sang to me in the beginning. I know I keep falling. Sing to me once more.
Comfort me, Fix me, Heal me, Pick me up... again.
Happiness, Beauty, Peace, Fulfillment.
Lightning strikes from nowhere, Thunder fills the air with its loud and rolling sound, Horse rears abrupt and high, startled. Control completely lost.
Fear, Darkness, Chaos, Confusion.
Falling, falling down, Thrown from the saddle with wrist caught in the reins, Fighting to get free as the horse bolts towards who knows where, over the roughest terrain. Realization of being dragged in the dirt and across a million rocks.
Terror, Pain, Desperation, Hopelessness.
I'm dying!
Suddenly it stops. I am free. Breathe... Yes. I am alive, at least enough. But rest; just breathe again and again. Pain intensifies all over... I must be broken in a thousand places, maybe bruised and bloody beyond recognition. I can only think of one thing. Only one thing in my mind. I hurt. I hurt.
Devastation, Brokenness, Silence, Emptiness.
What now?!? A much more difficult journey than I imagined. A very very long fight for a survival. Deep struggling and hard decisions that weigh so very much. Delicate breaks that could snap beyond repair, and partially-closed cuts that could rip open and spill what life-blood I have left.
How ever did this start out happy? A beautiful beginning? There was peace? And how in the world did I feel so fulfilled? How did all this change? It makes no sense. Did I do something terribly wrong? I thought I had the whole world beneath my feet - or I thought at least that I was standing on a piece of solid ground just my size. But it wasn't solid because it wasn't Christ.
Apparently nothing is certain but God and his promises. Otherwise I wouldn't be lying broken in the dirt. God help me! It was you who raised me to life and sang to me in the beginning. I know I keep falling. Sing to me once more.
Comfort me, Fix me, Heal me, Pick me up... again.
Wednesday, 14 November 2007
Prayer (Day of Prayer)
Lord, capture my heart and transform it
to be like that of your Son.
Make me holy, whatever the cost.
Break me and heal me, Father of all comfort.
Be my only true desire and joy,
And burn away every reflection
Until your face alone I see,
completely and in all your full, unfathomable,
and indescribable glory,
Mi Refugio, Domine.
to be like that of your Son.
Make me holy, whatever the cost.
Break me and heal me, Father of all comfort.
Be my only true desire and joy,
And burn away every reflection
Until your face alone I see,
completely and in all your full, unfathomable,
and indescribable glory,
Mi Refugio, Domine.
Tuesday, 6 November 2007
Storm Song - 11.1,6,7.07
Time freezes.
Fall down
Silence as loud as
Thunderous applause
Ringing in my ears
Strikes awe
Collapse
Light as frightening as
A touchable darkness
Blinding my eyes...
Ear-splitting shot.
Then rolling, real
THUNDER...
A hard, full rain
Not like little droplets, but
Like standing beneath a waterfall
A sound like thunder, or a
Thunderous applause
Soaking me, drenching me,
Washing away all that doesn't belong -
Now it would be
Hopeless to try to find the dirt
In the hurry of the flood
That swirls around my feet and
Rushes away to no one knows where.
Pure water streams down my
Heaven-turned face and
I delight in the taste and the
Fragrance of the rain
With hands raised high
Towards the heavens in
Fullness of joy
I embrace
The sanctifying torrent.
Fall down
Silence as loud as
Thunderous applause
Ringing in my ears
Strikes awe
Collapse
Light as frightening as
A touchable darkness
Blinding my eyes...
Ear-splitting shot.
Then rolling, real
THUNDER...
A hard, full rain
Not like little droplets, but
Like standing beneath a waterfall
A sound like thunder, or a
Thunderous applause
Soaking me, drenching me,
Washing away all that doesn't belong -
Now it would be
Hopeless to try to find the dirt
In the hurry of the flood
That swirls around my feet and
Rushes away to no one knows where.
Pure water streams down my
Heaven-turned face and
I delight in the taste and the
Fragrance of the rain
With hands raised high
Towards the heavens in
Fullness of joy
I embrace
The sanctifying torrent.
Saturday, 13 October 2007
Creativity - 3.18.06
My favorite thing to do is to create. I love writing, painting, making music, and anything else that I can be original with. I usually feel closest to God when I am creating. For me, creating and worshipping nearly always go together. I wonder at the two strong feelings of longing and fulfillment that I experience when I create. It fascinates me that I can experience both of these feelings simultaneously. What I find even more amazing is that, in reality, these two emotions in my heart are my longing for God and my fulfillment in him. Yet I will never have a complete sense of fulfillment until I am in heaven with my God. All our feelings of longing and fulfillment are produced when we experience beauty. Every beautiful thing we can see, hear, smell, taste, and feel is merely a reflection of God, the Source of beauty. When we experience beauty, we feel a longing for the source – a longing to be inside the source, because only in Christ The Source Of Beauty can we find total fulfillment.
God is wonderfully creative. He has filled his creation with magnificent variety. There are millions of different kinds of seashells and insects and fishes. No two snowflakes are alike, and no two sunsets are alike. No two people are alike. And there is more variety than that. God has woven playfulness and restfulness into his creation. God has made the universe and filled it with light, and given us eyes to see the light. More than that, he has enabled us to see colors. I am so thankful to live in a world of color rather than one of merely black and white! There is variety in the seasons and the weather patterns, in the nebulae and the galaxies. Just take a moment to look up at the sky and see the different types of clouds or all the different constellations. These things are no accident! God has created these things to be the way they are for specific purposes. I want to use my creativity for specific purposes too – first of all for the worship, enjoyment, and glory of my Creator. I also want to use it to encourage and build up others, especially other believers. I want to use it to learn more about God, life, other people, and myself. I want to use it to teach and exhort people. I want to use it to help me sort out my many confusions and to put into words and visual art my thoughts, struggles, and triumphs.
All creativity comes from God the Creator – we can create nothing apart from him. Because creativity is a part of God's image that he has given to us, it should be used for redemptive purposes. When I write, I love combining words having to do with the effects of the Fall with words of redemption to make beautiful poems, stories, song lyrics, and even school papers. I see beauty in God's redemptive plan, and I seek to reflect it in all my art. It is most important that God's children, of all people, be the ones using the creativity God has given them. We should make ourselves more aware of beauty. We should come to the point where we frequently stop in the middle of our busy lives to be still and look at the beauty of the universe around us.
True beauty is a mysterious thing. It flows exactly opposite the world's strong current. If it weren't for the grace given by God, the world would only be a place of the destruction of beautiful things. "Common" grace is a thing that God has given to all his creation – even to those who are not his children. It is the ability and desire to do good things, and the enjoyment of good things. Yet there is a higher grace – a grace given only to the children of God. One of the wonderful things about this grace is that it opens a person's spiritual eyes to spiritual beauty. I have seen the beauty of a Servant's heart – a thing that the world cannot understand. Even we the children of God cannot fully comprehend it. I am fallen, but I have been made a daughter of God, so that the Holy Spirit is transforming my view and giving me an increasing understanding of the beauty of the Servant's heart. He is daily maturing me into what I already am. Because I have been redeemed, God sees me as beautiful – all the time. I honestly don't understand this. I'm not even sure I believe it. God says it’s true – he says so in his infallible Word, but I still have a hard time believing it whenever I am feeling full of guilt (as I often am). I do have a desire, however, to understand and believe this.
Since creativity is a part of God's image, and humans are the only ones in creation that are made in his image, humans are the only ones in creation that can appreciate creativity. Creativity is deeply woven into our souls – another thing that only humankind possesses. Western culture tends to suppress creativity, despite its claims for the opposite. As a result, the older we get, the more we lose our creativity. It can only be regained with frequent and dedicated practice. I do not want to allow my creativity to be suppressed. I don't want that part of my soul to go ignored by me or anyone else. I can practice creativity in everything from my clothing to my paintings to my speech.
God is wonderfully creative. He has filled his creation with magnificent variety. There are millions of different kinds of seashells and insects and fishes. No two snowflakes are alike, and no two sunsets are alike. No two people are alike. And there is more variety than that. God has woven playfulness and restfulness into his creation. God has made the universe and filled it with light, and given us eyes to see the light. More than that, he has enabled us to see colors. I am so thankful to live in a world of color rather than one of merely black and white! There is variety in the seasons and the weather patterns, in the nebulae and the galaxies. Just take a moment to look up at the sky and see the different types of clouds or all the different constellations. These things are no accident! God has created these things to be the way they are for specific purposes. I want to use my creativity for specific purposes too – first of all for the worship, enjoyment, and glory of my Creator. I also want to use it to encourage and build up others, especially other believers. I want to use it to learn more about God, life, other people, and myself. I want to use it to teach and exhort people. I want to use it to help me sort out my many confusions and to put into words and visual art my thoughts, struggles, and triumphs.
All creativity comes from God the Creator – we can create nothing apart from him. Because creativity is a part of God's image that he has given to us, it should be used for redemptive purposes. When I write, I love combining words having to do with the effects of the Fall with words of redemption to make beautiful poems, stories, song lyrics, and even school papers. I see beauty in God's redemptive plan, and I seek to reflect it in all my art. It is most important that God's children, of all people, be the ones using the creativity God has given them. We should make ourselves more aware of beauty. We should come to the point where we frequently stop in the middle of our busy lives to be still and look at the beauty of the universe around us.
True beauty is a mysterious thing. It flows exactly opposite the world's strong current. If it weren't for the grace given by God, the world would only be a place of the destruction of beautiful things. "Common" grace is a thing that God has given to all his creation – even to those who are not his children. It is the ability and desire to do good things, and the enjoyment of good things. Yet there is a higher grace – a grace given only to the children of God. One of the wonderful things about this grace is that it opens a person's spiritual eyes to spiritual beauty. I have seen the beauty of a Servant's heart – a thing that the world cannot understand. Even we the children of God cannot fully comprehend it. I am fallen, but I have been made a daughter of God, so that the Holy Spirit is transforming my view and giving me an increasing understanding of the beauty of the Servant's heart. He is daily maturing me into what I already am. Because I have been redeemed, God sees me as beautiful – all the time. I honestly don't understand this. I'm not even sure I believe it. God says it’s true – he says so in his infallible Word, but I still have a hard time believing it whenever I am feeling full of guilt (as I often am). I do have a desire, however, to understand and believe this.
Since creativity is a part of God's image, and humans are the only ones in creation that are made in his image, humans are the only ones in creation that can appreciate creativity. Creativity is deeply woven into our souls – another thing that only humankind possesses. Western culture tends to suppress creativity, despite its claims for the opposite. As a result, the older we get, the more we lose our creativity. It can only be regained with frequent and dedicated practice. I do not want to allow my creativity to be suppressed. I don't want that part of my soul to go ignored by me or anyone else. I can practice creativity in everything from my clothing to my paintings to my speech.
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